Modern Motherhood - Can You Really "Have it All"?

For decades, many women around the globe have been chasing their dreams to “have it all” – a meaningful home life and a successful career. As a Slavic Christian woman, being a working mom is just scratching the surface.  As a young girl, I always knew the type of women I wanted to grow up to be: Strong but caring mother to her children, loving and supportive wife, a rock-star employee with unequivocal work-ethic, a role-model Christian, an encouraging, reliable and hospitable friend and don’t forget, look effortless and beautiful while doing it! So here’s the question I have been asking myself for the last few years? Where did I go wrong? It seems as if I have one area of my life under control, the others seem to spiral into utter chaos. Is it possible to have it all, or is this an impossible feet put on women and moms these days and we have all been fooled into thinking we can somehow match up to this insurmountable list of to-dos? Why must we always feel like we aren’t doing enough? Or is this just my own internal conflict and everyone else is perfectly content and feeling like they have it all figured out?

I’ve recently re-entered the corporate world and thought I’d have some of these issues sorted out, but I feel like I’m all the more frustrated.

When I was home for a few years with the kids, I thought, now I can relax, I had worked since I was 15 years old and a part of me was itching to take a break from the 9-5 hustle. I foolishly thought, I’ll be a stay-at-home mom now, a land of yoga pants and coffee outings and I won’t have the pressure of juggling work and home life. Boy, was I in for a surprise! After a few shorts months, I was feeling guilty for not accomplishing enough on a daily basis and I often felt like I was lost in a black whole, spinning around the same daily chores every day. Wait, didn’t I fold this load of laundry already? I thought I just swept the floors? Is it already time for another Costco run? How have I not found time to take up baking?  All of this way ok, the hardest two things were:

 1) The fact that you don’t get affirmation or some sort of acknowledgement. Wouldn’t it be great if your kids ended the day with “thank you for doing a wonderful job of parenting me today, I'm feeling healthy and more loved than yesterday!” Or every six months, they reviewed your cooking and said “wow Mom, you’ve really perfected this casserole.”? My husband was great at telling me I’m doing a wonderful job, but let’s face it, they are sort of obliged by their vows to be nice to us. J

 2) I always felt guilty for not contributing to my family financially. My husband never murmured a word, he loved me being home. But internally I was conflicted, I always thought, why did I spend all that money getting a degree and that time investing in my career? I should get my ROI (return on investment) and at least contribute to our family (help pay off debt). I should be able to do it all. I should be able to be a stellar mom and work, which could really help my family out. Other women do this all the time!

Now I’m back at work and have to constantly push off the feeling of guilt that I’m not doing enough at home, or church, or taking care of my health, or … (the list goes on and on).  Now the question still stands, is it truly possible to have it all? Working moms, how do you juggle it all? How did our parents do it? My mom worked and seemed to have it all together? Are we just weaker and less productive than they were? Is social media robbing us of all of our time? Household CEO’s – do you feel the same pressures when staying home, like you could have done more? Cleaned more, spent more quality time on homework, taught my kids a song to sing for the Christmas recital, etc.?

I’ve been praying for clarity in this area of my life and will continue to do so, but thought I’d lay it all out there and find out how you super-women deal with it? Or is the road of constant guilt just a way of life now... When you are home you feel guilty for now working or accomplishing more and when you are at work, you feel guilty for not being at home with your babies?

What No One Tells You About Adoption - Love is NOT Always Enough

Three years ago when we dove head-first into adopting our children, doe-eyed and full of optimism,   I whole-heartedly believed love would be enough to solve all their problems and heal all their hurts. I knew there would be issues, we had done the research, we had spent countless hours in classes on trauma-informed parenting, RAD (attachment disorder) and PTSD.  I knew it would be difficult, it would take time to work through the issues but wasn't too worried, after all, love was on our side and love could fix their issues. Fast forward a year post-adoption and I found myself facing a very different reality. The happy-go-lucky family people were seeing on social media was not always as happy as we wanted them to believe and the harsh post-trauma reality set in. No one understood and could relate to the pain, hurt, anger and blow-ups we were experiencing behind closed doors.  I was failing and my hope was dwindling. I was scared (still am) if I talk about the difficulties, people would shy away from adopting. I didn't want people to think we regretted it or discourage them from pursuing adoption. If you are considering it, or experiencing this, please know you are not alone.  As a mom, I should have all the answers. I should be able to make my kid feel better, work through his issues and help him solve his problems. I hit a dark whole when I realized I could not solve his problems. In fact,  I seemed to be the cause of his problems half of the time. I often felt I was trapped in my home as a prisoner. My sons trauma were the bars that kept me entrapped in guilt, shame and frustration. Why had God not healed Andrey and made things a bit easier on us after all the craziness we had already gone through? But the hardest pill to swallow, after all my efforts and energy, I could not make him love me back.

No one warned me (or maybe they did but I was too optimistic to listen) that'd I'd  poor all my efforts, time, energy, prayers, money, love and patience into parenting a 11-year old boy who then turns around and repays me in anger, frustration and hatred.  There was a period where it felt like I was his arch-enemy.  In hindsight, I was throwing a teenage-like emotional tantrum of my own.  How dare he be ungrateful, selfish, hurtful and angry after all we'd done for him? Didn't he realize he should be grateful to have a family? Why couldn't he see how good he had it? At least once weekly people would say something along these lines " they must be so grateful to have a family, a room and his own toys. He is so incredibly lucky. He must love you to the moon and back." It was so far from the truth that I was often speechless. I didn't want to admit it then, but I felt so defeated. We had risked so much, energy, time, money and finally made it home from the hellish weeks we spent in Ukraine. When I entered my home I should have felt joy and warmth from finally getting my wish of bringing home the children I desperately fell in love with.  God had placed this unexplainable love and drive to help these children and call them my own, I had no doubt about that. What I could not understand, is why had it gotten harder and harder to parent Andrey with each passing day? I had never stopped loving him, but I did not always like him and his actions were often appalling to me. Well a few years later, I can sum it up quietly simply:
                                                             Hurt people hurt people.
They don't know love. It's a foreign idea to them. They don't recognize it and they don't know how to respond to it. You have to find a different approach and be very patient.

When Jonah was born, people often asked us if we felt a difference between him and our adopted children. Honestly, yes, but not for the reasons they think. We love them the same, but the love that is reciprocated is different. Jonah is a newborn who has spent every day with me. I know his different cries, his preferences, health history and biological make up. When Jonah cries, a whole slew of people come running to sooth and comfort him. With our older ones, we are peeling them apart like an onion, learning about their past, their likes, dislikes, preferences, fears and insecurities, one layer at a time. The baby knows laughter, comfort, gentle carress, goo-goos and ga-gas, and love. Andrey and Katya, they know hurt. They didn't know love, it was as foreign to them as abuse and neglect is to me. Katya was fortunate enough to be placed in an orphanage with young children and her biggest enemy of growing up was neglect. When she cried because of a wet diaper, no one came running. When she fell and injured herself, no one rushed her to the emergency room and kissed away her boo-boos. Andrey had not grown up with a family who encouraged and praised him, reaffirmed their love on a daily-basis or even provided for his basic needs of air, sleep, food and warmth. Andrey had a family that consisted of 100+ children from the age of 7-15. He was abused, neglected and traumatized by this family of children and care-takers. The only family he knew was a harsh and bitter reality that no person, let alone a child, should have to live through. The difference is when I go to hug my baby, he hugs me back and greets me with a warm smile, because he feels safe. For a long time, when I would try to hug Andrey  he would flinch, or fight me off, saying something like "you are so annoying, what do you want?"

The truth is parenting a child with post-traumas is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I don't regret it for one moment, but often I feel I'm not cut-out for it. Then I'm reminded that God makes families and he must see something in me that my children need. The problem is I often feel like a horrible parent. Why isn't my love enough to help him? The truth is the things my son has experienced in his lifetime must be so painful and difficult, that this is how much it has impacted him. I know MY love may not be enough, but I know God is more than enough!

 Can I ask a favor? Can you please pray for our family and Andrey specifically? We know that God is doing his work with him and he's made so much progress, but we need help and wisdom in parenting. Only God knows how to heal his heart and to mend his wounds. I pray for wisdom as a mother to parent three very different children from different backgrounds. Most of all, I pray that Andrey accepts God's goodness and finds healing in our home, church and community.

Do You Believe in Miracles? - My Pregnancy Story

I am so excited to share my pregnancy story. I get giddy just thinking about it, because I love surprises and this was the best surprise of all. To recap a bit, I was diagnosed with severe PCOS and Endometreosis over eight years ago and after seeing several gyno and fertility specialists, they told me I had less than 5% chance of conceiving with fertility assistance and less than 1% if I did nothing at all and just let things happen naturally. After years of actively trying for a baby (ovulation sticks, temperature tracking, chlomid cycles) and trying every random holistic and ridiculous suggestion that came across my path we decided to accept our fate and came to the conclusion that God didn't see it in our plans to have bio kids. To be completely honest, I stopped praying about it. We switched gears and made our new mission in life to focus on the things we could do in life, not the one thing we could not. 

At one point four years ago, my doctor had a serious talk with me about if I should just take the safest route and avoid any potential cancer risk by getting a complete hysterectomy and oophorectomy, which is removal of the uterus and ovaries. This would mean I could live pain-free and stress-free. This actually sounded like a reasonable option at that point and after consulting with my family, my mom turned on turbo problem-solving mode (which she often does), made a ton of calls, researched and begged me to come to Ukraine with her for three weeks to give this holistic clinic a shot before I made any life-altering decisions. At the time, every morsel of my body was against traveling to Ukraine in the middle of the coldest winter in 20 years and seeing some doctor who would probably want to take all my money, comment on my weight and gawk at how horrible my ovaries looked. After MUCH hesitation, I agreed to go with my mom, more to appease my mom than with any hope that anything would change. The truth is, after a complete health diagnostic, numerous tests and labs, I had discovered my issues were more serious than we thought and the doctor compared my health to one of a 45 year old. That really stung, but it motivated me to do what I could on my end to preserve my health. With a whole suitcase of hollistic medicines, essential oils, powders and the like, I headed home. Although my period had never returned as they hoped,  I was able to manage my pain naturally (IB Profen and vicodine was my previous go-to). This had made my life WAY more pleasant and I had not seen any urgent reason to move forward with any surgical procedures and was happy to keep my lady parts in tact.

 Fast forward two years, still no sign of a regular menstrual cycle or ovulation. I had put all my attention into Andrey and Katya and the various challenges that came with that (this is a blog post in itself). After having the kiddos home for a few months, I was so incredibly stressed out. I was juggling a lot with the kids appointments, therapy, extra-curriculars and meltdowns in between. As my health was not getting any better, I decided I would make the best of PCOS and all the issues that came with it. I realized my kids needed me and my healthiest and I needed to give them the best version of myself, they deserved that much. I would take back control of my body and start eating a very clean diet and exercise 5-6 days a week. The dual benefit of exercising was my body was looking better and the endorphins gave me more patience when dealing with parenting. My kids needed me, they deserved a healthy and active mom who could keep up with them at the park, have the energy to swim laps with them in the pool and not take out my anger on them from the chronic pain I was previously in. It felt so good to take control of my health and my body! With much support and encouragement,  I was able to lose a significant amount of weight and had a whole new level of energy. I was feeling great, until one week in September, I started feeling a lot of pain in my left lower abdomen, similar to the pain of a cyst. The pain would come and go but made it really difficult to make it through my workouts. I decided to secretly go to the doctor and get checked out to make sure it wasn't a ruptured cysts or anything crazy. As I sat there with my gyno of nine years, he did a standard internal ultrasound and then proceeded to tell me he had some good news and some bad news. I thought for sure I'd need another surgery and was hoping the good news is that it wasn't too serious. He then proceeded with the bad news: I probably wouldn't be losing anymore weight. The good news: I was 6-7 weeks pregnant!!! I right about jumped out of my exam chair. What??!!! Are you kidding me, how is that possible? I made him check and recheck and show me the screen about four times after that, which of course all I saw was a bean-like-looking-thing. I walked out of the exam room, walked straight to my car and sobbed for about 20 minutes before leaving for my house. I arrived home to an empty house, immediately went upstairs, peed on about 11 pregnancy tests (I always had a stack of amazon pregnancy tests on hand) and fell on my knees after seeing each positive and simply praised God for his goodness. I waited over 12 hours before I could tell anyone the exciting news since my husband was out of town and I wanted him to be the first to know, but I did not want to tell him the news over the phone.

It seems silly now, but I so badly wanted to tell the whole world about the exciting news, but wanted Roman to be the first to know. I stopped by a store before the kids got home, all puffy-eyed and giddy to buy a few onesies for when I told Roman, the kids and parents. When I stepped up to check out, I poured my heart out to the clerk and told her all about my morning, my miracle pregnancy and my plans to to surprise my husband, all while choking away tears of joy. In hindsight, I may have over-shared a bit, but I've been known to do that.

My favorite thing about my pregnancy was I was able to surprise my husband, our children and all of my close family with this unexpected miracle. I can truly say I absolutely loved being pregnant and tried to soak in every moment, every flutter, kick and turn. I felt like I was truly given a rare gift and know how many things could go wrong before a child even enters this world. The fact that I had a mostly healthy pregnancy (minus the kidney stones) and beautiful healthy, almost 9 pound chunskter is just the cherry on top. Below, I've shared some videos and photos.

I often think back to the day I found out I was pregnant and praise and worship fill my heart. I know many people can explain away how and why I got pregnant, because the holistic medicine helped, or I lost weight or that we had finally relaxed (although that was one of the most difficult months of my life). Well the truth is, I think God aligned all those things in my life to prepare my mind and body for pregnancy and motivated me to get healthy through my kids, forced me to try holistic approaches by giving me the ultimatum of the hysterectomy and so forth. At the end of the day, God guided me through all of those decisions and steps. One last thing I'll leave you with, is Roman shared something with me a few weeks before I delivered that I had not previously known. In August of 2015 Chris Tomlin had a Worship Night in America concert. Pastor Louie Giglio finished off the evening with a powerful prayer. He said take that heavy weight that has been pushing you down, that prayer request or hardship that's been burdening you, get down on your knees, put your arms together and lift it up to God. Just give this request to God and forget about it. Let him take that request and burden from you. That night in an arena full of thousands of people, I raised my arms up and bitterly wept as I asked God to help heal Andrey and the after-math of his trauma.  After the concert, I asked Roman what he prayed for and he said it was between him and God. I assumed it was for Andrey as well. Come to find out, 40 weeks later we welcome Jonah into the world. Roman now always jokes and takes credit for our little miracle, but we know that God had truly heard the humble prayer of a husband who so-badly held on to the hope that his wife would experience pregnancy and child-birth, even when she gave up all hope and God answered. Boy did he answer! He came through and even sent him a son that looks like him.

 

Welcome Back

Well hello there! First of all, if you are reading this post, thank you! It has been a while. A long while. I started this blog six years ago to openly share my struggles with infertility and some insight into our adoption story. A year and a half after our kids Andrey and Katya joined our family, we found out we were pregnant.  After nine years of struggling with infertility, this was truly a miracle and I'm excited to dedicate a separate post to share about my pregnancy and how I found out I was pregnant in the near future. Once I was pregnant, I felt like I no longer had authority or the right to speak about infertility or share about my parenting struggles, adoption difficulties or any of the treacherous run ends I had with my faith over the last few years. In other words, a lot of changes around here, yet an equal amount of blessings and I did not know how to make sense of it. I felt as though I had no right to complain or vent about any of the difficulties, because God had sent this miracle into our lives. After some much-needed reflection,  I've decided to start blogging again. I've truly missed writing and mostly miss the therapeutic relief that came from sharing my thoughts, experiences, prayer requests, etc. I realize now that putting my thoughts on paper is affordable therapy and it keeps me accountable for my feelings in some odd way.

Let me tell you friends, parenting is not what I thought it would be, some things have pleasantly surprised  me, and others have horrified me and have brought out sides of my personality that I didn't know existed. Adoption is SO different than I thought it would be. Being a stay at home mom is SO much more exhausting than I anticipated. This faith thing is more challenging than I expected. Moving forward, I'd love to share how are family is doing, our pregnancy and birth story, my health journey before and after pregnancy, some unsolicited parenting advice and reflection, raw venting from someone who has been thrown into the trenches of parenting three kids in a matter of two years and hopefully some encouraging words. So stay tuned and let me know if there is anything specific you'd like me to write about. For now, I hope you are having a great start to your new year.

Thank you all for stopping in. I am humbled by those that have written or emailed me asking me to update my blog. Thank you for your encouragement.

PCOS - The Struggle is Real

CAUTION: This post is about women’s health, PCOS and infertility issues. If you don’t want to read about periods, body-image and so on, stop right here! If you continue to read on, please remember you were fairly warned.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. After becoming a mother, I've tried to look at the areas of my life I can improve and I've realized that although I've had a good grasp on most things, the one thing I could never seem to get a handle on has been my health. I have avoided facing this issue head on because any time I ask additional questions, go to doctor’s appointments, or decide to research new information online, I hit a wall of frustrations and it reminds me of a deep dark place I had been a few years after being diagnosed with PCOS, Endometriosis and infertility. This is a place where I feel I have no control and very little understanding. I've managed to have a positive attitude about most things in life, but I've fooled myself into believing if I don’t focus on my health, my issues will somehow eventually go away. When I think about my declining health over the years, it makes me feel like a failure. I hate the fact that my body doesn't do what God intended it to do. I've avoided sharing this post for many months because I’m embarrassed and scared of exposing my true insecurities. The truth is once I truly face my prognosis, I feel defeated. Hopeless. Angry. I’m trying to take a different approach for once. I want to be proactive and face my condition head on.  The first step of this is acceptance. In hopes of helping someone else who may be struggling with medical issues, I've decided to recap a bit of my history and how I was diagnosed.

  Before getting married, I had never struggled with any major health concerns, other than the occasional cramps and headaches.  Although I had never had exactly 28 days between cycles, I  had a cycle every 4-5 weeks. After about 9 months of marriage, my periods became less frequent and we had been convinced we must have been pregnant. I had felt drowsy, tired, bloated and was gaining weight rapidly.  After about 6 months of hit-or-miss cycles, 30 extra pounds of weight and stomach cramps, it was time to see the doctor. Eventually after numerous appointments, an additional 15 pounds and severe pelvic pain, I was diagnosed with PCOS and endometriosis. My OBGYN had said I had a small chance of ever getting pregnant naturally, because of how severe my symptoms were. I had never heard of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome but I learned it was a condition in which levels of the hormones are out of balance. Not only would I be faced with infertility, but the additional symptoms that I had been warned about were cysts on ovaries, heart disease, diabetes, high-cholesterol, unwanted hair growth, acne, obesity and endometrial cancer.  That was a bitter pill to swallow. I quickly learned there was no known cause of PCOS and no cure and my case was quickly severe. Since being diagnosed over 6 years ago, I've been pre-diabetic and have had surgery to remove the 30+ cysts and endometriosis I had on my ovaries. After surgery, I was able to find natural remedies for managing pain and preventing cysts growth but the few times in the last years I’ve gotten a period are worth celebrating. #PCOSProblems #DreamingofPMS

A few weeks after our wedding

PrePCOS

This may sound shallow, but I think the most difficult part of dealing with PCOS in the first few years was dealing with my body-image after I had gained 45 pounds in a matter of 9 months. I was #stillAM terrified of being perceived as a couch potato and someone who lacks self-control. I have to admit that I may have had one too many pizzas and lattes in the last few years to contribute to my weight gain, but it all spiraled out of control with my hormone issues. I learned my appearance was extremely important to me and I hated the person I had become. Thankfully God has shown me he loves me despite of my weight and has sent people in my life who feel the same way.  Later in my journey, it hit that infertility was truly going to be a problem and coping  with infertility has been a process of its own (I spoke about this in my previous posts).  At this point, I've accepted the side effects, although unpleasant, but I’m fed up with feeling helpless. I don’t want to go down this slippery slope and I've decided it’s time I take control and responsibility and fight this condition. I want to be the healthiest person I can be, even if that looks or feels different than others. I need to embrace that I can change the statistics. I can prove the doctors wrong.  PCOS, infertility or insulin resistance don’t have to define me. I have three people in my life who think the world of me and they are worth fighting for. I want to be proactive about my health, and take back control, once and for all. I’ll follow up with additional posts explaining how I’m going to do that and write about my progress in the future.

Have you ever struggled with health concerns that made you feel helpless or overwhelmed? How did you tackle them? 

272 Days Later

It’s been 272 days since we landed on American soil as a new family of four. 2014 is behind us and to say 2014 was a whirlwind for our family would be a gross understatement. When reflecting on the year, it was the most traumatic, unnerving, costly, stressful, exhausting yet GLORIOUS year yet, and I have some unwanted grey hairs to prove it #thankfulforhaircolor. 2014 was truly epic! For the first time in seven years, I was able to cross off my “Become a Mom” New Year’s Resolution. Hallelujah!!!

I’ve been horrible about writing lately, partly because I’ve been busy with my jobs, mommy job and accounting job but also because we were in stage three of adoption bonding, commonly known in the adoption community as the spaz out/meltdown phase #soexhausting. Well I’m thrilled to announce stage three, the triage phase, is mostly behind us. We’ve stopped the bleeding and the vitals are looking good.  Stage three was so exhausting. Oops, I already said that.  I felt like I was a failure as a parent and there were times I wondered if our son would ever see past his anger and grief.  Now we are joyfully entering stage four – rehab.  God has been good to us and we are seeing the sun light shine through the clouds and boy, do I love sunshine! We have a ton of work ahead of us, as we teach them to cope, manage their frustrations, feel secure, find self-worth and tackle their education, but we feel incredibly blessed to have made so much progress in the last few months.

Even more exciting, is for the first time in the last 272 days, I feel content. I don’t feel frustrated or guilty for not meeting my own made-up fascinations of what type of mom I need to be. For the first time, Andrey has went off to school with a large smile on his face and gave me a hug and kiss before leaving. For the first time, I’m not comparing my children to anyone else, adopted or bio.  I can also admit for the first time, I am extremely proud to parent two creative, witty, strong-willed, loving, outgoing, determined, brave, caring and joyful children. I have made a lot of mistakes in the last 272 days, but as I look at the wide-eyed smiles on my kiddos, I feel content that I must be doing something right. With God’s help, I have the family I have always dreamed of.  I have three people in this world that adore me more than I deserve, my children’s health has seen phenomenal improvement, I have my dream job of being a mom and  I live in a country that is safe from warfare. Moments of pure bliss are common in my home and I have God to thank for that.  God has been with us every step of the way. Taking that first leap of faith over three years ago has proven to be extremely rewarding. I’m looking forward to see what God has in store for our family in the coming year and hope we can make it as memorable as the last.

 

Life Changing Moments - Our Adoption Journey

Okay friends, the pity party is over! It's time to prepare for the many, way more enjoyable, parties that await us in the holiday seasons. As thanksgiving approaches, I find myself thinking of all God has provided for us in the last year and how His protective hand has been over us in the last year. This year could be summed up by so many life changing moments that showed me how miraculous and powerful God really is in my own life. Some of those moments are when we got the call to pack our bags and leave for Ukraine to pick up our children, when we arrived in Kiev and saw the devastating aftermath of the Maidan revolution, when we met our daughter for the first time, when the judge officially pronounced me to be the mom of Andrey and Katya and most of all, the moment we landed on American soil, complete as a family. We had made it out of Donetsk unharmed and our family had doubled in size. The overwhelming amount of emotions I felt in that moment will be engraved in my mind forever. God had provided a victory! The moment that had kept me going through the crippling fear, anxiety and stress came to fruition. We were all finally safe and ready to walk into the loving arms of our family and friends. I'm so grateful our friend was able to capture this moment to share with our children. This isn't a professional video, but it's by far my favorite video of all time, because it's a symbol of what we have to be grateful for, not only this Thanksgiving, but many more to come!

The Pity Party

First and foremost, I’d like to apologize for my inconsistent and infrequent blog posts. I could make excuses all day long about my not having enough time, being a working mom, juggling the kiddos schedule  and finding time to reconnect with my husband, but I know deep inside those are all just that, excuses… The reality is when I put my thoughts on paper, or in type, they all of a sudden become very real and I’m not always ready to face the reality of my emotions and feelings. I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been scared to share the truth about what’s really going on in this head of mine. You see, when you adopt, people are always telling you how amazing you are, how they think you are practically saints and although that is so kind, I also have become very aware of this false image that people have painted of me, and I’m terrified to let them down.  The truth is we are ordinary people, with tons of flaws and we are just starting to figure out this whole parenting thing. We make mistakes daily and I am always aware of the fact that I need to work on myself, that I am still being molded and mended. Don't ­­­­forget we are all human and nine times out of ten, we face the same struggles in various areas of our lives.

Confession:  I’m breaking my own rules over here. I’m always telling people how the worst thing you can do for yourself is have a pity party. Well guess who’s having a pity party this week and feeling bad about it? I've been comparing my children and my parenting to everyone else’s. No bueno! I know better than that, but I can’t help it. Here are the things I’ve been struggling with:

-          

•       I’ve been feeling sorry for myself because I haven’t had the opportunity to raise my kiddos from birth, like most moms, which I feel puts my children at a disadvantage. This especially happens when we get bad news at Katya’s doctor’s appointments, which for a while, were weekly visits. If it wasn’t an ulcer, a parasite, staff infection, ear infection, it’s been hip dysplasia and birth defects. Anyhow, every time I hear about another issue I begin to resent others who had perfectly healthy kids and complain about nonsense issues, like the color of their hair and the size of their nose.  I completely understand this is unfair, but once again, not always rational in moments and far from perfect. The good news is despite of all these physical and psychological challenges, Katya is the most optimistic kiddo I’ve ever met.  I wish I could have protected her from all these physical ailments and given her the medical attention she deserved, but I’m also grateful to have medical insurance and access to Shriners Hospital, who can help us bring her into good health.

•        I’ve quicky realized my kids aren’t going to be like all the other kids we hang out with, or most kids in general. This week was parent teacher conference time at my son’s school. While other parents were beaming with joy over their child’s straight A’s,  honor roll and student of the month, we were relieved our 4^th grader has managed to count to 20 and has learned basic addition. Most of the year, our homework sessions have ended in either or both Andrey and I in tears. It’s been tough. Katya has her own struggles as well. The preschoolers at Katya’s school are celebrating how nicely they write and sound out the letters of the alphabet and 7 weeks into school I’m still trying to get my daughter to call the Teacher by name instead of yelling “Hey!”. Just when I think we made progress, I pick her up from school and ask, “Katya, what is your teacher’s name? She says with a huge smile on her face “Miss Doggy!” Oh Vey! I feel like the more I realize how far behind our children are, the more work I realize I have to do to get them to be normal functioning adults one day, and the truth is I’m already getting burned out and overwhelmed from the physical and emotional needs, that I don’t feel l have anything left for their educational needs. I feel like they will always be carrying around the damage that was done to them by their past. It sucks and it’s not fair that they are already at such a disadvantage in life. Also, selfishly, I’ve always been a go getter and have made my parents proud in my accomplishments and I become a bit jealous that others will be proud of their children, showing them off to the world,  while I try to rush out of church, hoping my kids don't dig in people's purses for candy and ask complete stranger if they can please have their Ipod. Like seriously, this is hard work!

•             I feel like I’m too hard on my kids, but I don’t know how to change. First of all, I wish I was a more graceful parent. I’m not the calm and collected mom I envisioned I would be. I struggle between making sure they know the rules and I'm consistent with follow through and feeling like they really may not know better. In my defense though, I don’t think I was fully aware of how difficult it would be to parent an older child. We knew to some extent it would be difficult to parent an 11 year old who has been institutionalized the majority of his life, I still feel the books should have said in bold and underlined… WARNING, THIS WILL TEST YOUR LAST BIT OF PATIENCE… PROCEED WITH CAUTION! Don’t get me wrong, if we knew how difficult it would be, it still would not have changed our decision, but I think I would have had set different expectations. The truth is Andrey is doing amazing for the short period of time he’s been in a family environment, I think I’m the one who is failing. I always say I feel like we've hit the jackpot as far as international adoption go, but I can’t let go of my standards and my expectations. Roman constantly reminds me that we need to set different bench marks for our kiddos, but I guess the over-achiever in me doesn't want to accept that. I’m working through this and hope God guides me through this process.

Comparison is a road that leads to know where but resentment, jealousy, anger, etc. A friend of mine recently shared a quote with me, “comparison is the thief of contentment.” This is so true! I’m not entirely sure how I’ll work through these issues, but I think God will come through and change me through this process. I’ve realized I don’t have much grace for mistakes but I have to constantly remind myself of how much grace God has shown me in my life. I’m definitely far from deserving of the magnitude of blessings that surround me each day, yet God still pours out his love and compassion. Too bad I haven’t made a lot of time for devotionals or reading God’s word, or I bet I’d be doing much better #workinprogress. Have you ever struggled with comparing yourselves to others? How'd you work through it?

Infertility After Adoption

The last few weeks have been very eventful, my sister-in-law and one of my best friends had babies, both beautiful and healthy little princesses. As my kids have observed these gals going from a forty-one week belly, to a newborn in their hands, it has sparked their curiosity. Andrey asked me some very difficult questions about how children are made (I think it’s time for the birds and the bees talk) and Katya has become obsessed with babies and has asked for a new lyalya (baby doll) of our own. I love that my kids are getting to experience and observe the beauty of God bringing a new little miracle into the world, well knowing this may be as close to the experience as they’ll get. Although I’ve mostly celebrated the many pregnancies and babies around the last few months, every once in a while, a bit of baby fever will come over me.

As I’ve thought about my infertility after adoption, I’ve been able to recognize why it still hurts at times. In addition to preventing you from conceiving and bearing a child “like everyone else,” infertility can lower your self-esteem. No matter how accomplished you may be in other areas, once you begin to battle the specter of infertility, it is easy to see yourself as a failure. And even after you “move on” with your life, the fact that you are infertile can weigh you down.

When the doctors told me I would probably never conceive a child, I felt like such a failure as a woman, I mean, I worked hard all my life to accomplish what I wanted. In the past, if I saw something I wanted, I went for it and if I worked hard enough, 99% of the time, I was able to achieve it. But the one thing that I wasn’t supposed to have to work at [conceiving and bearing a child] is impossible for me. Coming to grips with that was very hard. It’s still a sore spot for me at times, but the big difference is now I know God writes our story and we don’t always know what’s best. Of course as I’ve grown in my faith, it became more clear to me that God allowed me to be successful in other areas of my life, it wasn’t through my effort or determination, but only through his grace and blessings that I was able to accomplish anything at all.

As I write this post, I am also grateful for my infertility. As I look back on the last 7 years of my life, I know if it weren’t for the trials God allowed in my life, I probably wouldn’t experience the joy and blessing of parenting two sweet (and unique) children through the gift of adoption. As a matter of fact, if it weren’t for God’s intervention, Andrey and Katya may not even be alive today. Shortly after our adoption, both of their Donetsk orphanages were seized by terrorists and the children were disbursed all over the place, some were transferred to Russia and others just fell off the grid. So although infertility still stings a bit, I know God has everything under control. Luckily, when I do sense baby fever coming over my, I’m able to get my dose of babies these days and there’s nothing I love more than holding baby Chloe and Alexandra. There’s something about holding a precious little one that restores your faith in humanity and leaves you in awe of God’s pure and innocent creation.  

Confessions of a New (Adoptive) Mom

These days, I am in awe of how these wonder moms seem to have it all together. I don’t know if it’s just an image they put out there on social media, but I sure can’t seem to keep up with cleaning, cooking, bathing, grooming, working and up keeping my social life very well. Instead of acting like I have it all figured out, I’m going to confess a few things, that I’m ashamed and surprised of as a new mom who is still learning to adjust to her new role. I know you may judge me, but I promised I’d be honest, so here it goes…

     1)   I knew parenting would be hard. I knew adoption would make parenting harder. I didn't know the hardest part would be the whirlwind of emotions and utter exhaustion that comes with parenting two, very different and determined kids.

2) I have moments when I am filled with bitter anger towards my children's birthmom and her crappy decisions. I'm mostly upset at the fact that her decisions have complicated my children's lives and they have to deal with the repercussions of her decisions. Katya and Andrey both have physical and emotional ailments that are clearly side effects of substance abuse.  Praise God Almighty they are extremely determined and don't let these things define or hinder them.

3) I have moments when I'm so grateful that Andrey and Katya's birth-mom decided to give them life and didn't go for the much too popular decision of aborting. As hectic as our lives are now, I can't imagine it any other way or without them in our lives.

4) I thought I would be more appreciated. Do Andrey and Katya appreciate us? Yes, of course. But somehow that doesn’t always translate into being obedient and grateful children. In turn, when they are making bad decisions, I feel like they aren’t appreciative. I'm sure this is partly because they did not have the childhood they should’ve had. Or maybe it’s just because Andrey is a preteen going through a whole lot of change and talking back is a must. (This seems to be common in kids of all ages, and quite frankly, in some adults.)

5) This is a big one... and I can’t believe I’m writing this, but here goes full disclosure…I dread going to church now. Before mommy hood, Sunday was my favorite  day of the week. I now feel anxious on the Sunday drive, hoping Andrey doesn't get too excited and bite someone (playfully, not out of anger) and Katya doesn't have an accident and ruin her carefully ironed outfit. Andrey and Katya seem to both be on their worst behavior during church and I feel like I only catch 10% of the message. This is certainly getting better, but it's a work in progress.

6) There are times I feel like I'm failing. I can't seem to get around to vacuuming the house for the 4th time in one day, let alone try to teach my kids their letters or numbers. I feel like I had these expectations of the mother I wanted to be, the one who only feeds her children the best organic food, teaches them a few Bible verses a week, etc. I feel like for every five steps we take forward, we end up taking many steps back. I just pray God gives me the wisdom to get through this season gracefully.

7) Both of our kiddos have some side effects from being institutionalized for the majority of their lives. The truth of the matter is, it can get really ugly and emotional when seeing your child deal with the trauma of their pasts. When they are having an outburst, I go through a wide spectrum of emotions. Sometimes I have to hold myself back from yelling at them and demanding they stop over-reacting, and other times I feel so much pain and sorrow for them I just cry beside them while they are falling apart. We are working through these things as a family and we know God has the power to heal their wounds.

8) Somedays, after waking up at the crack of dawn, I find myself very tempted to give Andrey the Ipad for a few hours while Katya naps, so I can catch some zzzs. Fortunately, I still resist the urge most of the time, but boy does that nap sound great!

9) There are times I cry like a baby from pure joy, despite of all the struggles. Sometimes Andrey and Katya will say or do something so sweet, I will hold back tears of joy, because I can’t believe I'm a mom. I dreamed of these moments since being a young teen and once lost hope I'd ever have the honor of being someone's mom. I sometimes baby Katya and rock her to bed, and while she sleeps I just weep. How is it that I’m lucky enough to be her mom? Why does God think I’m strong enough to be a mom to these precious human beings who have so much to learn still? I am often overwhelmed with the fact that God loves us more than I love these children, regardless of our faults. He adopted me into and is my father. How amazing is that?

10) I confess that most of the time, I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. Everyone thinks I have it all together -- good wife, good mom -- but I really don't. I'm ready to stop trying to be perfect and just be real. Can anyone relate?

8 Weeks Later

I'm sorry I've been a bit MIA lately, juggling my new role as mommy-of-two has had me in a bit of a whirlwind. Looking back now, our entire journey to Ukraine and back seemed like a bad nightmare and we are now finally recuperated and adjusting to our new family. I've been fortunate enough to stay home with our kiddos as they adjust to their new country and new family. I can go on and on about how they are adjusting (the good, the bad and the ugly) but I'll share about those struggles in a later post. For now, let me start with a few highlights of the last few weeks and give you a chance to get to know the two newest members of the Kravchuk clan:

- Andrey and Katya are both obsessed with dogs, literally obsessed! Katya has a fake dog she carries around and calls Milo (in honor of our friend Dana's dog). She takes her role as a toy-dog owner very seriously, she proceeds to feed, walk and put Milo down for naps daily, after singing him a few lullabies of course. Andrey isn't quiet as mesmerized but our toy dog and asks me when we will get a "real" dog a few times weekly. 

-Andrey asks me daily "мама, почему ми такая щасливая семя?" (Mom, why are we such a happy family?) I never know the right way to answer this, but usually try to explain that God loves us and many people have prayed for us over the last year. 

Andrey and Katya's bond is unbelievable, considering they've only known each other for 8 short weeks. Andrey will often wake up, brush her teeth, change her, brush her hair and tell me his sister needs breakfast. He is a wonderful big brother and it melts my heart to see their bond. Katya only refers to Andrey as Andruyshka and is always concerned of his whereabouts, especially on school days. 

- Katya is pretty easy to win over with either candy, a phone, dog , music, something shiny, etc. You get the picture. She is a girly girl, who loves taking pictures, shopping and trying in clothes, but she isn't afraid to get her hands dirty either. This girl will fight for herself if needed. She has a big heart and automatically falls in love with anyone who loves her back and after meeting someone new and spending some time with them, she'll usually tell me the remainder of the day "Мама, Jimmy Катю любить!" (Jimmy loves Katya!) She will smile from ear to ear and tell me how many people love her. I love that she grasps the fact that she is loved by so many.

- Andrey and Katya both share an undeniable love for music! Katya is always air drumming along to the music in the car and both beg to listen to music on my phone. Andrey asked us a few days after his arrival in the US "why does everyone on the radio talk about Caleb so much?" Caleb is Andrey's cousin. Roman and I both chuckled and explained how the radio station is K-love. Needless to say, K-love is his favorite station and he now literally knows every song they play on the station by heart. 

- Andrey went to summer school a few weeks ago and since has a whole new vocabulary of English words that we are now only get accustomed to. The other day our neighbor came over and Andrey totally had a conversation with him. I was dumbfounded! He asked how he was doing, where his dog was (of course) and told him Roman was at work. In Andrey's words "oh my hoodness, what you dooinh?" 

-Katya and her box... One day after a trip to Costco, Katya asked if she could play with one of the remaining cardboard boxes. Of course she could.  At the time I did not realize this would become a valuable piece of real estate to a 4 year old girl with a wild imagination. Katya now believes this simple cardboard box is her home and she spends 75% of her time in this box. She carefully lays out her blankets, arranges her favorite toys and then proceeds to lay in this box (knees almost touching her head) for a few hours daily. She carries this thing around the house all day long. As we were driving home from Los Angleles this weekend, I asked her what she missed most about home, without any hesitation, she said "my box!" I should have known. I made the mistake of replacing this cardboard box for a newer upgraded model, but she would not have it! She walked around the house poking in the closets looking for her old box. 

To conclude, sometimes it's hard not to dwell on the fact that we missed out on a huge portion of our childrens' lives, but we are enjoying getting to know them better each day. It's really exciting discovering a new part of their personality, a new like, dislike, dream or fear of theirs daily. Right now they are like onions and we are peeling their layers one day at a time. It isn't always easy but it sure is a ton of fun and we are constantly overwhelmed by God's goodness.

Home Sweet Home

We are finally home!!! Hallelujah! We were blessed by our close friends and family who drove out to San Francisco to give us a wonderful and emotional homecoming. I was so touched when we finally saw our friends and family, I had realized this crazy struggle of getting our children home, was finally over. We were on US soil, all four of us, safe and sound! Tears of joy streamed down my face as I saw the people who have prayed, hoped and cried with us during this journey. What a beautiful memory this will be for us to cherish! 

It's taken the kiddos a few days to adjust to their new life, but they have handled it like troopers!  Boy am I glad that Roman and I paid attention to the countless hours of adoption training and carefully read adoption books on bonding and making this transition easier for both us and the kids. These children (especially Katya) have been mostly confined to the same four walls, have only seem a few people and have lived with the same routine, day in and day out, for their entire lives.  They are now experiencing a lot of new senses, emotions, people, attention and places for the very first time, and it's easy in our excitement, to forget that this may be very confusing and overwhelming for them internally. The time change alone can be difficult for adults to transition to, but this is only one of the major life changes facing our children. We've tried to follow through with the recommendation of our social workers and lay low for awhile, giving the children a chance to process all the change before throwing them into more crowds of new people. This has been harder than we thought, as we've been traveling for a combination of eight weeks, so we've desperately wanted to spend some time catching up with friends and family.

Roman and I are still adjusting to a family of four. We are learning our new children's personalities, schedules, likes, dislikes, flaws, emotional state, health problems, etc. I think what is most surprising, is we are discovering so much about God's unconditional love. 

Let me tell you, it's true what they say, children from orphanages come with a whole host of problems, especially emotional and physical problems. Other parents may judge me for this, but I have no problem admitting my  kiddos are far from perfect. Andrey is extremely insecure and as impatient as a 16 year old girl waiting to get asked to prom. He is behind in math, reading and writing. We will have our hands full trying to get him caught up and ready for school. Katya is discovering when she cries, she gets a lot of attention, so I think she's made it a new hobby of hers. Katya is below the first percentile for weight and height for her age group, has a broken arm that was never fixed and suffers from severe vision problems (it must run in the family). Both children will require a lot of work and an incredible amount of patience. Regardless of how many imperfections, inadequacies, flaws or how many mistakes they make, I love them with every morsel of my being!!! I can't explain it, but from the moment I saw their photos, I knew they'd be broken, flawed and unwanted by others, but will be deeply loved by me. Does that sound familiar? Aren't we bruised, broken and flawed in so many ways, yet we are so deeply loved by our Father? I never understood how God could love me, unconditionally, even though I've messed up so many times, and I'm without a doubt unworthy of His love. 

God adopted us into His family. The best Father, the one who created all things, who is pure and perfect, has accepted us into His family! Wow! Have you ever thought about what an honor that is ? I am a daughter of the one true King! Maybe you have been rejected by this world, your peers, your family, or even your loved ones, but you will always be accepted by God. He looks at our flaws and sees our past, our hurts and our history. Despite of it all, God will show us great and unthinkable things we did not know. He will show us so many wonderful things and teach us so many valuables lessons, but most of all, he will love us with a love that we can't even grasp, an unconditional love that never fails. I am just learning to be a parent. I'm sure there will be times that I will fail and mess up, but I hope I can teach my children about a love that never falters or fails. 

Welcome to Parenting

 The last few days we were just covering parenting 101, and couldn't believe how amazingly well behaved our beautiful children were. I told Roman last night, "geez we are really getting the hang of this parenting thing." I failed to mention the fact that they were eating everything we offered them, always cleaned up after themselves and were perfectly disciplined and super low key and independent. Andrey was super grateful and followed me around everywhere telling me how much he loved us and how grateful he was we picked him (little does he know it was God, not us). He also was a huge help, always cleaning up after himself and watching Katya's every move, showing her the ropes (iPad, iPhone, cars, etc). Katya is perfectly potty trained and keeps herself busy with one toy for an average of two hours and is capable of dressing herself and feeding herself. Her vocabulary seemed to have been limited to just a few basic words and anytime I'd as much as glance her way, she's just smile  from ear to eat and come hug me.  When asked to do something, she'd immediately nod yes and run off to complete the task. The only major struggle was the fact that Katya had never been outside the orphanage, so car and airplane rides are completely terrifying to her, so we have been trying to cope with that.  

Today however, is an entirely different story.  Welcome to advanced parenting! After spending two hours at the medical clinic to complete their medical exams for immigration,   Andrey came home to a 102-103 fever we couldn't break for hours. We have tried prayer, local medicine, home remedies, children's Tylenol and he is still burning up. Meanwhile, Katya has a cough and runny nose. Also, Katya has decided to show us her secret vocabulary, and although she is still a little sweet pea, this girl can talk like an old women. Boy, were we surprised. As we are trying to get sickly Andrey to bed (mind you we all share one room) our Katya decides to test out what happens if she refuses to sleep. After yelling for papa and mama for 30 minutes, she decided to turn up the stakes. At first, it was that she needed to go potty, next it was her head hurt, then her leg, etc. Lastly she reverted to crying the final, sure option, crying and wanted to sleep on our bed, which already included one too many. As we finally succeeded in getting our kiddos to bed, I realize we have an embassy appointment at 8, which means we wake up at the crack of dawn to get the kids fed, dressed and take our long drive to the US embassy. I'm praying our little guy will be fever free, if not we may not make it out of Ukraine by Thursday. Oh that's right, I still have big stack of documents to fill out before I can take a bath (I miss US showers) and get to bed. 

Overall, I've gotta say this parenting thing isn't easy. I never thought it was, but I think we just got our crash course today, while traveling thousands of miles from home with two brand new (sick) children, living at a friend's house, trying to make it to all of our painstaking adoption and immigration appointments. I gotta say, it's difficult but awesome. Despite of today's difficulties, I know we've hit the jackpot with our little darlings and we couldn't be happier! 

Oh, and it's our wedding anniversary today! I wonder what the next seven years will bring? ;)