Meeting Our Daughter

With  butterflies in our stomachs, we entered the baby orphanage to meet with the director. She is a nice, but a very stern women, who prides herself in her orphanage being the cleanest and best decorated in the region. The director then proceeded to ask us questions, why we picked Katya, how long we've lived in the US, where we work, etc. She was amazed that we were Ukrainian immigrants and really warmed up to us.  She then called in the doctor and the doctor gave us all the medical information they had on file. We learned Katya had never been visited by anyone after she was abandoned at the hospital and she's been at the orphanage since three months old. We also learned our baby girl's birthday is April 12th, so she will be four years old in a few short weeks. The director said Katya has never given them any troubles, she is potty trained (hooray!) and doesn't require much attention or work. She told us she is very shy and often plays independently. They said she speaks, but not much. 

As we sat on the couch, nervous and excited, the doctor walked in with our little Ukrainian doll. She immediately came to me and sat in my lap, but didn't say a word. I was instantly surprised by how tiny she was, only 11.3 kilograms (22.6 lbs). She had the same vision problems as Andrey, and wore little glasses on her tiny little face. At her young age, she already required a -4.5 prescription. None the less, I was grateful this doctor and director had recognized her eye problems and made an effort to get her glasses. Katya was shy as can be, hiding her face and slouching as to draw the attention away from herself. We gave her a little doll and she just nodded. After holding her for a bit, I put her in daddy's lap and you could tell she was tense, but the director explained she was very afraid of men. Go figure, she's probably only seen a few  men in her lifetime, the orphanage employees are all women. We then went into the other room, which has a large aquarium and large couch to sit on. Katya came up real close to me and I picked her up in my lap and she just cuddled up real close, laid her head on my chest and stared at my scarf. We spent an hour or two with Katya the first day and although we could hardly get any whispered words out of her, she did answer me when I pointed at Roman and asked her, who is this? It was the faintest whisper, but she said "papa." When he pointed at me and asked her the same question, she smiled and whispered "mama." At the end of our first visit, she warmed up to both Roman and I, but we could tell she was very shy by nature but loved being hugged and kissed. Katya was taken away to have lunch, so we said our goodbyes. Roman and I both said she reminded us of Andrey when we first met him. 

As we were leaving, the orphanage director asked if we wanted to take a tour. Um, of course! Let me tell you, the orphanages in Ukraine mostly restrict your visits with children to one or two rooms,  as they don't want people roaming through other parts of the facility. The director gave us the entire tour, and we were so pleasantly surprised how much attention was put into this orphanage. As we were walking around, we walked into Katya's group and she immediately came up to give me a hug and whispered mama. My heart melted. Se was such a sweet pea. Roman and I both knew after this visit that we have loved this little girl before we met her, but this visit confirmed our love. 

Welcome to Donetsk

We arrived in Donetsk late Friday night. We were pleasantly greeted and welcomed into Oleg and Lena's home. They are a Christian family with three kiddos, two of which are Andrey and Katya's age. 

Today was bittersweet. The bitter part was that just a few hours after arrival, it was evident that tensions are extremely high here. The people here are on edge and don't know what their future holds. I fear what will happen if Russia starts taking over Ukraine and what it will mean for the people of Donetsk. Will the city surrender or will there be warfare? To even think of seeing warfare in my lifetime was unimaginable just a few months ago and now I find myself thinking what it'll be like if there is an invasion and what our evacuation plan would be. What do we do about the kids? Are we crazy for staying here? The thought of our cozy and safe Rocklin home is so incredibly distant right now and I'm wondering why God has led us here? Why now? I'm a bit paranoid and I've done a good job of keeping my fears at bay, but if our life is in danger, I'm scared I will just give up and be on the next flight out of here. 

The sweet part: we got to see Andryushka today!!! It was spectacular and we realized how much we've missed him. I was a bit emotional at first, but was proud that I kept it together for our 2.5 hour meeting today. Andrey was thrilled to see us, but at first he was a bit shy/shocked. His shell shock wore off within two minutes and he started cuddling up to us and calling us Mama and Papa every chance he got. Mama - that word is music to my ears! Pinch me now! He went on to tell us about his friends at the orphanage and how he told them all about us. He couldn't believe we were actually there! He is so in need of so much love, attention and affection. He was cuddling up to us the entire time and trying to act sleepy so he can lay his head on my lap, or just hold my hand. We were sad to leave him, but we will be back on Monday or Tuesday.

Please pray for God to give us wisdom and grace, as Monday will be a very critical day for us. Please pray that God will protect the Ukrainian people from war and bloodshed. Thank you! 

Ukraine - Day 2

Ukraine - Day 2 

Today we headed to our SDA appointment. The day started off in a frenzy. We ended up being late to our appointment, because we were stuck in Kiev traffic for 1.5 hours, even though we only drove 3.5 miles from our place to the appointment location. Crazy! Although we were chewed out by an upset Ukrainian facilitator, we were approved to visit the kiddos in the orphanage. The mere fact that we were able to have our appointment the day after arrival was a blessing.  We were expecting a four day delay upon arrival in Ukraine, due to some complications in the adoption (will share at a  later time). We purchased our tickets to travel to Donetsk on Friday, immediately after receiving the official document, and plan on visiting Andrey on Saturday.  We can not wait!

Afterwords, we had a chance to explore Kiev a bit more. I was excited to eat at an authentic Ukrainian restaurant. The borscht I had was amazing! 

It's been such a blessing to have our friends Serge and Katya Semenyuk here for the first few days, truly a gift from God. Not only have they been chauffeuring us around, feeding us, keeping us company,  they have also introduced us to wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ. Yesterday we were invited to Ella and Vova's house for some fellowship and dinner. This young couple moved to Kiev to start a small group and have wonderful servants' hearts. We also met Alena and her baby boy. Her husband is working abroad, and she insisted that we stay in her apartment when we get back with the children, because  it will be more convenient and she doesn't want us to pay for a hotel. Her apartment is so lovely, I was thrilled we wouldn't have to stay in an expensive hotel or dorms.  She will stay at her mom's while we live at her place, so we can acclimate to our new family.

We were a bit hesitant about being in this big city alone, without any help or direction, but God surely blesses us in ways we don't even expect. These are your prayers at work friends, thank you!!! We are so very grateful for all those who are carrying us in prayer! The next few days will be extremely unpredictable in Ukraine and in the adoption process! 

Ukraine - Day 1

We safely landed in Ukraine. People from our church arranged for a driver to meet us at the airport and drop us off at the Bible Institute we are staying at. He was really nice and was kind enough to stop by and help us get a calling card for our phones. 

The first thing I thought of when I saw our dorm was kids camp with our church at Paradise. It reminded me of being young and excited about the spiritual journey ahead and bonding with new people. It's interested  how that feeling reflected my current state.  

Our old friends Katya and Serge happened to be in Kiev for passport documents and we were fortunate enough to spend the rest of the evening with them. What a blessing to see them and see how they are doing God's work in Ukraine.

 We also visited Maidan.. Wow!!! I've never felt such a heavy feeling of sorrow and pride all at once. I had driven through the very same streets just a year ago, and Maidan could not have been any more different than I remembered! The streets were lined with tires, barricades, loose stones , fires and all sorts of rubbish. We paid our respects to those who had laid down their lives and were in awe of the wall of flowers that lined the streets. What a tragic scene! Yet for some, it resembled a major victory against evil. It seemed to me the people felt a sense of unity and pride for their country, like never before.  Please continue to  pray for Ukraine, the people are hurting and afraid,  not knowing what their future will hold. 

Tomorrow we have our official SDA appointment, where we will hopefully receive the children's files and our referral to visit the orphanages. Friday, we hope to travel to Donetsk. Best case scenario, we will be seeing Katya and Andrey on Saturday!!!! I can't believe the day is almost here! 

Thank you for your prayers and support! God has blessed us abundantly so far with the flights, people we've met and our safety!!! 

Whom Shall I Fear?

Monday morning we will be leaving for Ukraine. We have a one way ticket, a ton of baggage and a whirlwind of emotions. We are preparing to embark on a journey that will surely be life-changing, regardless the outcome. We are traveling to Kiev for a few appointments and then heading to Donetsk for the bulk of our trip.   The Ukrainian crisis has been on our mind, especially as tensions in Donetsk rise daily. As I’ve experienced many emotions over the last week, from fear, sadness, shock, nerves, doubt and excitement, I’ve decided to give them all up to God. This song by Chris Tomlin will be our anthem! Please pray for us! Thank You!

Whom shall I fear?

You crush the enemy
Underneath my feet
You are my Sword and Shield
Though troubles linger still

Whom shall I fear?

I know Who goes before me
I know Who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a Friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

My strength is in Your name
For You alone can save
You will deliver me
Yours is the victory

Whom shall I fear?

And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in your hands
I'm holding onto Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful

I know Who goes before me
I know Who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a Friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

WE GOT THE CALL!!!!

We finally got the call!!! It’s official, we are leaving for Ukraine on March 10^th.   We have an appointment in Kiev, with the DFC on March 12^th! If all goes smoothly, we will probably be seeing Andrey and Katya a few days after that! I am so excited (and terrified) all at the same time! I can’t believe we will be meeting our daughter in two weeks or so! I can’t wait to call Andrey tomorrow morning and tell him the great news! Thank you all for your continued prayers and support!

Please continue to pray for our family as we prepare to spend five weeks in Ukraine and go through this exciting but unpredictable journey of meetings, court hearings, medical appointments and travel. We pray that God will continue to bless us during this roller coaster ride! Please stay tuned for additional updates, as I’m off to put 20 to-do lists together and start mentally packing! I have nine days to prepare! WOW!

Infertility Rears Its Ugly Head

Here I am, a few weeks away from adopting two children, preparing the house, sorting through Olivia's baby items, giving away baby clothes and supplies, all along feeling the ache of infertility tugging at me. Despite of the enormous amount of blessings that surround me, I’ve been hurting. I am not saying I need biological kids to be happy, I’m just saying the loss of control is hard.  Surrender is hard. The thought of the unknown is hard. Infertility has a way of rearing is ugly head when you least expect it.

I want to tell you what infertility feels like sometimes.  It feels like being forgotten.

In Christian circles, women will often reference Hannah as an example of a woman who handled infertility with grace.  Oh how I wish I was more like Hannah.  In 1 Samuel 1:19 it says, “Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her.”  Remembered her?  This is how the Bible tells us she went from barren to being to pregnant- she was remembered by God.

This may not give you the warm fuzzies, but I have to be honest. When I’ve spent so much time praying and crying out to God and the response I hear is silence, it’s hard to rationalize that as anything other than being forgotten.  When I hear about others getting pregnant, I feel that God has forgotten me and my struggle while continuing to hand out children to those he remembers.  When I am feeling really crappy, I ponder on how God even “remembers” teenagers and drug addicts in this way, while He’s busy forgetting me.  I never want to accuse God of being “unfair,” as I learned early on, life is not “fair,” but have I been forgotten?

People will sometimes tell me if I pray harder or fulfill the call to adopt, God will grant me the desires of my heart. I have to confess, I am angered when I come across people who claim if you just had enough faith and prayed the right things, God would give you a child.  I am sure they mean to be helpful, but the implication is if you’re infertile it’s because you’re doing something wrong.  Can you imagine a way to add more pain to an already heartbreaking situation than to say it’s not just your fault physically, but also spiritually?  By that logic it would seem we could also imply anyone who has children has them because they have achieved this magical level of faith, they have finally attained spiritual perfection.

Here’s the takeaway… I know this is how God made me, endometriosis, PCOS and all. He also created my desire to be fruitful.  I can’t say I understand all the reasons why He chose me for this path, but it is incredibly comforting to know He understands how painful this is.  He isn’t surprised by my hurt and frustration, even with the adoption around the corner, it is hard for me to say “this is enough for me.” I feel infertility rearing its ugly head and in these moments I realize this will be a lifelong struggle.  He isn’t angry when I cry out to Him and I know He isn’t disappointed in my lack of faith.  I don’t believe He is waiting for me to say the right magic words or have the perfect amount of faith before answering my prayer and healing my body.

I do think He has put me in this position for a reason.  He wants me to learn something.  Some days I think maybe I know what that is and other days I feel at a loss.  There are times I think He just wants me to be faithful in the waiting and the not knowing.  It’s a hard position for those of us who like answers and love control, but when God puts you in a place of dependency on His grace and wisdom, the only choice is to obey.  Maybe we’ll see the rewards in this life and maybe we won’t.  Either way, God is close to us and is a comfort in our weakness.