My Testimony

I’m approaching the one year anniversary of my surgery and  I've been thinking a lot about the state of mind I was in only a year ago. I’ve been reflecting a lot and have decided to share my testimony. Although my surgery was minor and I had a quick recovery, I can never express what a life changing time that was for me. One year ago today, I had only been working 2-3 hours at a time and popping Vicodin every few hours because of the pain I was in. I was in so much emotional and physical pain, I can’t even fathom how I got to that point.  I thought God gave up on me and I questioned God’s existence. I couldn't believe that my medical condition was getting worse at every check up. Three years prior, I had been told by my doctor that my medical condition puts me at a high risk for weight gain, diabetes, heart disease and cancer due to my crazy hormone imbalance. Let me tell you, this is the last thing a 19 year old wants to hear. 

When my condition worsened and my doctors told me I had type 2 diabetes, I lost it.  To be honest, I just felt SO sorry for myself and SO upset with God. At 21 years old I had been gaining weight uncontrollably, getting my blood drawn every few weeks and had to get a pap, ultra sound (not the fun kind) and a physical exam every 2-3 months. The doctors never offered me any options that appealed to us and they couldn't figure out why my case was so severe. When my pain worsened, I was referred to a specialist and when he did my exam, he confirmed that my case was really severe in comparison to others with the same condition. He called in a few other nurses to show them that I had 20-30 cysts on each ovary. He then proceeded to tell me the last patient he had with anything similar was diagnosed with uterine cancer a year ago. This is when I hit rock bottom. I tried to be strong and my bubbly old self in front of people, but inside I literally felt like I was dying. I don’t know if it was from all the heavy meds I was on, but every time I had felt pain in my stomach (very often) I had imagined my funeral and how I must have not had children so I don’t leave them behind, etc. A few weeks after this visit my pain was really severe and when I called my doctor he said we need to operate as soon as possible, because he’s scared of what he might find. The surgery was diagnostic and would also clean some of the endometriosis that was causing my pain. This was a Monday. He scheduled my surgery for Wednesday.  

I had to grasp in a matter of days that I'd wake up from surgery either diagnosed with cancer or possibly have one or both ovaries removed. I hadn't had a relationship with God at this point and had questioned his existence. How was I going to make it through this? I cried uncontrollably for the two days before my surgery and felt completely hopeless. This wasn't fair! Why did I have to go through this? Why me???  Tuesday evening I received a lot of text messages and phone calls from family and friends letting me know they'd be praying and they know God will give me peace. I yearned for peace SO much, because I had not felt peace in a long time. I held on to these words and the night before my surgery I just stood and cried on my knees. My prayer to God was this...

"God if you haven't abandoned me, please forgive me for my sins and my doubt and send me peace. If the doctors find cancer, give me peace. If my ovaries are removed, give me peace. Please Lord, let me find peace no matter what comes of tomorrow. "

The next morning I woke up with such an overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. I knew God was in control and I just surrendered all of my fears, anger, pain and took God's peace.  I even joked with my husband that it looked like he was the one going into surgery, because this poor guy was so worried. 

I realize now that my surgery was a blessing from above. They did not find cancer, Praise God! They cleaned the cysts and endometriosis and my doctor was confident that this would help my pain and allow me to live a more comfortable life. It wasn't a cure all, but it sure beat taking heavy meds all the time. The surgery pushed me to surrender all of my frustrations and run to God. The morning of the surgery, I knew without a doubt that my life would never be the same again. So here I am. I still struggle with my medical issues but my heart has been restored. My faith has been restored. My faith lies in him alone and I believe the Lord has plans to give me hope and a beautiful future! For if God is with me, who can stand against me? Surely not a medical condition! Surely not infertility! 

If you are going through something difficult and you feel like God has abandoned you, do not fear!!!! He is just a prayer away! Surrender your fears, frustrations and sins and he will come though, I PROMISE!!!!