Regardless of how high spirited I try to be, the truth is there are still days that I can't shake the fact that infertility sucks! Every month there is still a day or two when I can't quite crawl out of the hole of infertility sadness. It’s typically only a few days of the month and the other 29 days of the month I’m nice ole happy Krystyna! I think "YES! Adoption! I CAN'T WAIT! I honestly don't mind that he/she won't be our biological child! Oh look, what a cute baby! What a beautiful rainbow! God is Good!!"
On the dark days, I sulk in sadness and think, "Why don't I have a baby yet? Everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant with such ease and here I am, waiting for 5 years and feeling completely helpless and out of control. Why hasn't God blessed me with good health? ” On these days every Facebook, Instrigram and Pinterest visit seems to pour salt into my open infertility wound. I feel guilty for feeling this way. Why can’t I just get over the pain of infertility once and for all?
After some reflection, I have come to the realization that no matter how truly happy I am to adopt and how confident I am in God’s hand in our adoption, there may always be a part of me that’s angry about my infertility. Even after we have a children somehow, someway, and that anger has diminished significantly, I'll always remember and I’m not quite the women I dreamed I would be. I hate dealing with the side effects of my illness and I hate the constant reminder that I'm not quite as healthy as I'd like to believe I am. However, I have to find peace in the fact that God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). I can’t get over this anger or sadness alone. In Christ alone I can find healing for my broken heart! I have to continue to pray for healing and realize that wounds can heal quickly, but only with the proper ointment. God is that ointment and I need to trust in him, not in my own understanding!
Sorry about the negative vent, but I promised myself I'd be real and raw about this journey.
Thank you for being real/raw...sometimes I feel as though I heal through venting/sharing, so I hope the same happens with you. Greater things are yet to come!
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