Shaking Like a Leaf

This has been by far the hardest post for me write. I’ve been trying to find the words to sum up how I’ve been feeling the last few days since we heard the devastating news about our baby girl.  For those of you who are wondering what happened, on Wednesday, November 14^th, just a few days short of the due date, we received a call from our social worker, hardly holding back her tears, she needed to deliver some devastating news. She explained that our birth mom was taken to the hospital and had an emergency c-section and she was incredibly sorry but the baby didn’t survive. She shared her condolences and explained that this was the first time in 25 years of work that she's had a situation like this.

The first few days after getting the news are still all a bit fuzzy to me, when I wasn’t crying, I was completely zoned out and obsessing over the fact that all the plans, hopes and dreams I had thought I was realizing in just a few days, were just yanked away so painfully.  At first it was all too unbelievable. How could this be? The baby we had been preparing for, praying for, shopping for and already loved so much was no longer with us? How could she be gone before we even met her? We made so much room in our hearts to love the daughter God sent us, and he took her away before we even held her in our arms. For the first few days, I felt like that space in my heart was literally ripped out of me and all that was left was just a gaping whole of unrealized dreams.  The pack and play was set up, car seat installed, the formula put away, and the bottles all sterilized. How could this be?  This was supposed to be our happy ending. How could God allow this to happen? We knew our adoption journey wouldn’t guarantee smooth sailing. We knew the birth mom could change her mind or a million other worse case scenarios we had heard about, but our little girl not surviving at full term? How could this be?

 

At first, I just had so many questions and broken dreams.  I felt like life sent me two caskets: the first one— my inability to conceive, the second one—the death of a child promised to us. How was I suppose to morn something that was never even mine to begin with? After waiting for a child for almost 6 years this was a cross I felt was too heavy for me to carry.  Fortunately, I had my husband by my side. Those of you who know Roman, know he is optimistic to a tee and he always holds on to hope. God blessed me with this man for a reason. I know if it wasn’t for his encouragement, optimism and strong faith in the Lord, I would probably lay in bed crying for days on end. Roman and I were also extremely encouraged and comforted by the many messages, calls and visits we received from friends and family.  We were touched and in awe that our friends and family were more supportive of the adoption than we ever realized. Thank you all who remembered our family in prayer. God truly has the power to comfort and heal broken hearts like no one else can. 

We were supposed to drive down and pick Olivia up on Thanskgiving day, so this holiday will never be the same to us again. None the less, we had many things to be grateful for this Thursday. As horrible as this trial has been, a few positives we take from this tragedy is we now know we are truly capable of loving a child that is not biologically our own. We both loved Olivia more than we could have ever imagined and losing her made that so evident. Secondly, we know that God is a comforter in even the hardest times and when everything in life seems to be unbearable, God will never forsake us. He loves us through all of our pain and struggles. We were grateful that God has sent us an amazing support system, family and friends who will cry with us and pray with us. Lastly, we were grateful to have continued contact with the birth mom and hope that we can somehow impact  her life in a positive way, as she has impacted our lives in a way she will never understand.  We ask that you remember her in your prayers as well, as she is suffering this loss as well and unlike us, she does not have anyone to pray for her or encourage her in times of trial. 

Although we have gone through yet another trial in our journey of infertility/adoption, this is not the end of our story. We believe that God has set us on this path for a reason and we have to continue on this journey and trust the Lord despite of our fears and doubts. We are back on the adoption list and are once again waiting for a match. We pray that in the mean time, God will continue to heal our hearts. To sum things us,  I’d like to share a song that I’ve been carrying in my heart throughout this trial that has beautifully summed up our feelings and our cry to God during this time.

Feel free to check out the Big Daddy Weave version of this song here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjKy74VQs1o

Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big  and my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus,
'Cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory.
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

When I wake up in the night I feel the dark.
It's so hot inside my soul. I swear, there must be blisters on my heart.

So hold me Jesus,
'Cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory.
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

Surrender don't come natural to me.
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need...
And I've beat my head against so many walls,
I'm falling down, falling on my knees... God, please.
And Your grace rings out so deep. It makes my resistance seem so thin.

So hold me Jesus,
'Cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory.
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?