Rest In Peace Our Baby Girl

Written for Olivia, the baby who we already loved so dearly, but never even held in our arms.

To the daughter who I'll never know,

who never belonged to me.

I have nothing to show

for all our agony.

How can I grieve this loss

when you were never even mine?

God took you to be with him

In his perfect time. 

How do I say goodbye,

when I never said hello?

Why is it I cry

for one I'll never know?

I felt you grow inside of me,

but you were never there.

I longed for you to be with me,

and show you how much I care.

The questions I have will never end,

I'll never understand

why God took you away from me

before I even held your hand.

To the daughter who I'll never know,

Please let me say one thing.

I love you more than you'll ever know,

and I'll see you in my dreams.

Love,

Mom and Dad 

RIP Olivia Kravchuk 

Adoption Update

Hello friends, the last few weeks have been quiet eventful, so I haven’t had as much time to post. However, I promised myself I'd be opened about our adoption story, so here’s an update:

A few weeks ago, we got the call from our adoption agency with the news that we’d be getting a baby girl sometime in November. We now know our little angel is scheduled to arrive on November 20, 2012. The birth mom is having a scheduled c-section, so we’ll be able to pick her up from the hospital and if everything goes smoothly, we should be able to bring her home on Thanksgiving Day. It’s amazing how God has been orchestrating this entire adoption!

After we received "the call" and learned more about our birth mom and our baby girl, both Roman and I have felt a whirlwind of emotions. We are mostly thrilled and excited but also overwhelmed and a bit nervous. I am most surprised by how much compassion and heartache I feel for the birth mom, who has already experienced so much sorrow and loneliness in her life. Although it’s natural to be nervous about a new chapter in life, we have to remind each other to lay all of our fears before God. We are human though, and we still have many unanswered questions. Will the birth mom change her mind after delivering the baby? What if we don’t bond with the baby? Will she be healthy? What kind of parents will we be? The crazy thing about adoption is most things are out of your control, and those who know me well, know how difficult it is for me to accept that. The neat thing about this process is we have no choice but to trust in God alone. We are humbled by this journey and are honored to serve in God's plan for this child. 

All of our friends and family have been amazing throughout this journey! Most everyone is super supportive but also cautious about our adoption.  At the start of the adoption process, we were told the birth mom has about 10 days after birth to sign off on all of the adoption papers. In the mean time, we’ll be taking the baby home from the hospital upon discharge. In other words, the birth mom can technically take the baby back if she changes her mind within those first few days, SCARY – I know! Although this rarely happens, it's still gut wrenching to think about at times. Fortunately, we are confident in our adoption plan and our birth mom's decision, as she doesn't have the means to take care of a baby.  We have taken many leaps of faith throughout this process, but this will be the biggest one yet! We are confident that this is a risk worth taking, as God has led us this far for a purpose. After all, if our birth mom changes her mind after a few days, we’ll know God placed us in this child's life for a reason beyond our understanding. In just the last few weeks, this baby has been showered with so many blessings from above! I whole heartily believe God's name will be glorified through this process, regardless of the outcome!

I kindly ask you to join us in prayer as we await the arrival of our daughter Olivia. Please pray for our birth mom who is broken and hurting, that she may find God through this process and find hope in her life.  Please pray for the psychological and physical health of both our precious baby girl and our birth mom. Please pray that God may continue to give us understanding and wisdom throughout this journey. We also pray for courage and faith to continue to rely on God alone! Thank you for your continued support and encouragement. May God Bless you!

WE GOT THE CALL!

Friends and family, we are super excited to announce that we have been selected by a birth mom for our adoption! If all goes well, we will have a precious baby girl in November!!! Please pray with us as we walk this path, prepare for our little angel, meet the birth mom, and iron out all the details. Thanks in advance for your love, support, and prayers! We are overwhelmed with joy and so grateful for God's perfect timing!

I'm Still Angry with Infertility

Regardless of  how  high spirited  I try to be, the truth is there are still days that I can't shake the fact that infertility sucks! Every month  there is still a day or two when I can't quite crawl out of the hole of infertility sadness. It’s typically only a  few days of the month and the other 29 days of the month I’m nice ole happy Krystyna! I think "YES! Adoption! I CAN'T WAIT! I honestly don't mind that he/she won't be our biological child! Oh look, what a cute baby! What a beautiful rainbow! God is Good!!"

On the dark days,  I sulk in sadness and think,  "Why don't I  have a baby yet? Everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant with such ease and here I am, waiting for 5 years and feeling completely helpless and out of control. Why hasn't God blessed me with good health? ” On these days every Facebook, Instrigram and Pinterest visit seems to pour salt into my open infertility wound. I feel guilty for feeling this way. Why can’t I just get over the pain of infertility once and for all?

After some reflection, I have come to the realization that no matter how truly happy I am to adopt and how confident I am in God’s hand in our adoption, there may always be a part of me that’s angry about my infertility. Even after we have a children somehow, someway, and that anger has diminished significantly, I'll always remember and I’m not quite the women I dreamed I would be. I hate dealing with the side effects of my illness and I hate the constant reminder that I'm not quite as healthy as I'd like to believe I am.  However, I have to find peace in the fact that God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). I can’t get over this anger or sadness alone. In Christ alone I can find healing for my broken heart! I have to continue to pray for healing and realize that wounds can heal quickly, but only with the proper ointment. God is that ointment and I need to trust in him, not in my own understanding!

Sorry about the negative vent, but I promised myself I'd be real and raw about this journey.

A Birth Mother’s Sacrifice

I wanted to share a quick story I read online about a birth mom and her decision to make an adoption plan for her daughter. This 17 year old girl was faced with an unplanned pregnancy and had to make a very difficult and selfless decision at a very young age.

“In most situations, a woman carrying a child does not have to grapple with the decision of adoption. In most situations, a child is born into a family ready and happily prepared to raise the child. And in most situations, from the time the child is a newborn, parents make difficult decisions and tremendous sacrifices out of love for their children every day.

In my situation, the decision to make an adoption plan for my child was no less an act of sacrificial love. The decision came from that same desire to give my child the very best that I could, to ensure her well-being, to give her both a mother and a father, and a chance for a good future in an uncertain world. My decision was both an act of love and an act of hope; because in my situation, the best for her meant separation from me.

Parents have a duty and obligation to raise the children entrusted to them in the best way possible. And my decision to place came from the deep and powerful understanding of my duty and responsibility. No matter what other people think, I did not reject her. I did not “get rid” of her. And I did not “give her up.” Rather, I lovingly created a family for her so that she could have the security, permanency, and stability that I could not guarantee.

I placed my daughter for adoption because I refused to have her grow up in the circumstances in which I was living, circumstances that I could not change at the time. Authentic parenthood requires a heroic, selfless love. I loved my daughter, I love her still, and that is why I chose adoption, not abortion and not even to parent myself.”

Please join us as we pray for all of the birth moms out there facing unplanned pregnancies. These moms are faced with incredibly difficult decision and options such as abortion, adoption or parenting. Let’s pray God leads them to make the right decision, the decision to give life to a child. 

Seven Months Later...

So apparently I'm not the best blogger.  I've taken a little break from blogging the last month, partly because I haven't been very inspired, but also because I've been distracted with summer festivities and events. All in all, there hasn't been any news on the adoption front,  seven months later, we're still waiting for the call. :( Fortunately, the busy summer and the anticipation for my brother's wedding has been a great distraction! The wedding was incredibly sweet and a ton of fun, but now that it's over,  I'm going to need some serious distractions to keep my mind off of the waiting. Did I mention I hate waiting? God is definitely teaching me patience through this journey, much to my dismay.

So here's the plan... I am NOT going to sulk in my impatience and self pity. I am NOT going to feel sorry for myself, as I know that's one of the most detrimental things an infertile gal can do to herself.  I'm going to continue to live my life to the fullest while we're waiting for this baby. I'm going to temporarily close the baby room door and focus on pursuing new goals and hobbies. I don't really have any hobbies or extra curricular activities, so I need to get creative. In the meantime, I'm going to throw myself into growing my new business Travel By Krystyna, focus on getting in shape, spend more time with family, clean more, cook more and may even attempt baking! I can focus on becoming a better wife, a better mommy-to-be and just a better ME! Do you have any cool hobbies or activities you'd recommend? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. Also, please continue to pray for Roman and I, as well as our future birth-mom and baby. 

Dear Child

Dear Child,

I am lying here late at night thinking of you. I should be sleeping, but I can't… 

I don't know anything about you yet. I don't know even know if you are a boy or a girl. I lay here wondering what you will be like, what you will sound like, look like? Will you be blonde and blue eyed like me or dark haired with deep eyes? Either way, I know you are going to be beautiful because God made you. In His eyes, and soon to be mine, you are perfect and you are fearfully and wonderfully made by the world’s greatest father!

Your life is a bit different though, but don’t ever let that stand in your way. You  are extremely blessed, because you have two mommies. One who made a huge sacrifice and carried you in her tummy for nine months and one who carried you in her heart for 5 years.

Every night I pray for you. I ask God to keep you in His Arms and hold you until I can. I have asked God daily for the moment to come when I can finally see your precious face. My heart longs for that moment. Who are you Little One? Will you like sports, art or music? Will you be a writer, a doctor or a great evangelist? Will you be laughing all the time or will you make others laugh? Maybe you will be serious and timid, contemplating the deep things of life.

All I know is that I want you to live to the fullest potential you have. BE all that God created you to be. My greatest desire for you is that you will surpass me in knowledge and desire for the Presence of the Lord. Your Daddy and I will have done our job if you serve the Lord with passion and fervor. I make a promise to God this night, and to you, that I will do my best to teach you to serve the Lord and worship His holy name!

You will be His ambassador, whether in the work place as a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher or in the ministry as a pastor, teacher, worship leader or evangelist of the Word. May you speak the wonderful word of God and see it come to pass in your life. May you always know that God created you for a purpose and you have been deeply loved and prayed for from the moment you came into existence.

I love you so much already, even though I don't know where you are or even if you are conceived yet. My love grows deeper for you each day. I hope you come home to me soon precious little child.

With Love,

Your Mom