Infertility Rears Its Ugly Head

Here I am, a few weeks away from adopting two children, preparing the house, sorting through Olivia's baby items, giving away baby clothes and supplies, all along feeling the ache of infertility tugging at me. Despite of the enormous amount of blessings that surround me, I’ve been hurting. I am not saying I need biological kids to be happy, I’m just saying the loss of control is hard.  Surrender is hard. The thought of the unknown is hard. Infertility has a way of rearing is ugly head when you least expect it.

I want to tell you what infertility feels like sometimes.  It feels like being forgotten.

In Christian circles, women will often reference Hannah as an example of a woman who handled infertility with grace.  Oh how I wish I was more like Hannah.  In 1 Samuel 1:19 it says, “Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her.”  Remembered her?  This is how the Bible tells us she went from barren to being to pregnant- she was remembered by God.

This may not give you the warm fuzzies, but I have to be honest. When I’ve spent so much time praying and crying out to God and the response I hear is silence, it’s hard to rationalize that as anything other than being forgotten.  When I hear about others getting pregnant, I feel that God has forgotten me and my struggle while continuing to hand out children to those he remembers.  When I am feeling really crappy, I ponder on how God even “remembers” teenagers and drug addicts in this way, while He’s busy forgetting me.  I never want to accuse God of being “unfair,” as I learned early on, life is not “fair,” but have I been forgotten?

People will sometimes tell me if I pray harder or fulfill the call to adopt, God will grant me the desires of my heart. I have to confess, I am angered when I come across people who claim if you just had enough faith and prayed the right things, God would give you a child.  I am sure they mean to be helpful, but the implication is if you’re infertile it’s because you’re doing something wrong.  Can you imagine a way to add more pain to an already heartbreaking situation than to say it’s not just your fault physically, but also spiritually?  By that logic it would seem we could also imply anyone who has children has them because they have achieved this magical level of faith, they have finally attained spiritual perfection.

Here’s the takeaway… I know this is how God made me, endometriosis, PCOS and all. He also created my desire to be fruitful.  I can’t say I understand all the reasons why He chose me for this path, but it is incredibly comforting to know He understands how painful this is.  He isn’t surprised by my hurt and frustration, even with the adoption around the corner, it is hard for me to say “this is enough for me.” I feel infertility rearing its ugly head and in these moments I realize this will be a lifelong struggle.  He isn’t angry when I cry out to Him and I know He isn’t disappointed in my lack of faith.  I don’t believe He is waiting for me to say the right magic words or have the perfect amount of faith before answering my prayer and healing my body.

I do think He has put me in this position for a reason.  He wants me to learn something.  Some days I think maybe I know what that is and other days I feel at a loss.  There are times I think He just wants me to be faithful in the waiting and the not knowing.  It’s a hard position for those of us who like answers and love control, but when God puts you in a place of dependency on His grace and wisdom, the only choice is to obey.  Maybe we’ll see the rewards in this life and maybe we won’t.  Either way, God is close to us and is a comfort in our weakness.

 

Excited and Scared

Adoption is a big game of ‘hurry and wait.’ A few weeks ago, I was going a thousand miles an hour (functioning on very little sleep) trying to submit every last bit of paperwork to Ukraine, and now we sit and wait for weeks on end. Our precious dossier was submitted to the SDA (State Department on Adoption and Children’s Rights) in Ukraine and will be reviewed sometime on or after January 23rd. This means that the SDA will enter our information into their database, (hopefully) approve our application, and then invite us to travel for an appointment with them. It is at this appointment that we will (hopefully) get the official referrals for Andriy and Katya. WHEEW! Please pray that our dossier is approved. The SDA is very strict about the paperwork, so even if there’s a tiny error or misprint, we’ll have to redo the entire document, get it notarized and apostilled (state certified and sealed) AGAIN and mailed back to Ukraine. Every correction is costly to our finances and our timeline. Please pray that we receive our invitation letter in the shortest possible time.  Because of the riots and protests going on in Kiev, we are anticipating delays in the approval process, but we are praying for the best case scenario, which means we will (hopefully) travel somewhere in late February.

We will have a 2-3 week notice of our appointment. As of now, we don’t know when we’ll be traveling, we just need to have the kids’ rooms ready and our luggage on standby. So what does this mean?  We will possibly be seeing our little boy again and meeting Katya for the first time within the next six weeks. The last sentence both excites and terrifies me!

We ask that you continue to cover this process in prayers, as the enemy is hard at work and the fear of the unknown is crippling at times. I have to be honest, I’m worn out and emotionally drained. Roman and I both need a great amount of courage to travel to Ukraine, a country that is currently in disarray, and deal with the reality that many things can (and probably will) go wrong while in Ukraine. We are praying for God to give us the peace and courage to fight through the doubt and frustrations that await us!  Please also pray for Andriy and Katya and for God’s protection over them. We talk to Andriy every few weeks and with every phone call, he sounds more defeated and discouraged. He can’t seem to understand why it’s taking so long and is worried he’ll be transferred to yet another orphanage.

As difficult as this process is, we know it is just the tip of the iceberg. As much as I love that God is impacting Andriy and Katya’s life and growing our family, I have grown to accept the harsh reality that the adoption process is just the beginning of a lifetime of possible struggles.  Being a parent isn’t easy (Can I get an AMEN?!). It’s hard work and can drive you to desperation at times. Being a new parent to scarred, confused and broken children is a lifelong struggle, yet they deserve all the love and patience in the world! We hope we have what it takes to follow God’s direction and help mend their broken hearts.  Thank you in advance for your prayers and support!

Our Dossier Has Arrived in Ukraine!

Great news! We completed our dossier (the monstrous packet of documents Ukraine requires for international adoption approval) in record time and it’s currently in Kiev waiting for SDA approval! This is a HUGE milestone in the adoption process and one that seemed to take the last bit of energy I had! None of this would have been possible without the generosity of those who donated towards our adoption. We were under some financial pressure the last few months and extremely stressed, trying to figure out how we’d pay for all of the upcoming expenses. But sure enough… God always comes through, even when we feel like we are drowning! He has provided in many ways and we can now confidently move forward with the financial commitment of the adoption! PRAISE GOD!

Now we wait for feedback from the SDA on acceptance of our dossier and the date when we'll have our referral appointment with the SDA. If our timeline is consistent with others who recently adopted, we’ll be receiving our invitation to travel within the next 30-45 days, depending on the holiday delay. We are praying for the revolution that is happening in Ukraine and we hope for the countries sake, and our own, things settle down peacefully and quickly. We will likely have 2 weeks notice and travel sometime in early to mid-February! Of course, we've now learned that one should expect the unexpected when adopting, so we have to be prepared for delays.

Thank you for your prayers and support! We are so grateful for all those who constantly ask about Andriy and Katya. Throughout this journey we've seen so many prayers answered and we know God continues to guide the process. Because of this, I ask you to join as we pray for dossier approval, for Katya and Andriy, who is in the hospital now for 10 days, for an eye problem (we don’t have the details). My heart breaks that I’m not there to comfort him and take care of him. However, we have learned to trust God completely, even as we go through the ups and downs (and the waiting).

No Guarantees

When Roman and I had decided to move forward with international adoption, we knew it would be difficult, both emotionally and financially draining, but we thought of how amazing it would be and  thought it’d be worth every hardship! After all, if we could do it once, what's another try? Boy, we were in for a quite the surprise! First of all, we were both a bit stunned that we’d have to start the entire adoption process from scratch! YIKES! We already had countless hours of training, a 3” binder of paperwork and spent the bulk of our savings on our domestic adoption. Most times this is a bitter pill to swallow, but it's doable. This week I hit rock bottom as I came to the rude realization that nothing about this process guarantees success.  Here are a few updates on the adoption front:

-          Andriy’s orphanage is closing. The officials in Makeyevka, Ukraine decided it’d be more profitable to open a day care in its place. Andriy is being yanked away from the only security he’s had in his life, his friends, care takers and the orphanage he’s come to know as his home.  His orphanage is far from perfect, but it sure provides a sense of security. The last few times we spoke to him, he was nervous we wouldn't be able to find him if he moved. Although we reassured him we'll find him,  we don’t know if we’ll be able to continue phone contact with him once he is moved to a new orphanage. We are praying for God’s help in this transition.

-          I received devastating news that a family we met through our hosting program, who was also adopting, is now mourning the loss of the daughter they were supposed to bring home. Maria, from Andriy’s orphanage, was picked up by a foster family last week, and regardless of how temporary the foster arrangement, it will most likely void the international adoption. This family has invested in Maria emotionally, physically and financially.  They don’t know if they’ll ever see the daughter they fell in love with ever again. Please keep them in your prayers.  

-          Andriy has had a few families come by and visit him because they’d like to foster either him or  Katya. Although there isn’t too much demand for fostering a 10 year old boy, a three year old girl who is mostly healthy is appealing to local families. However, Andriy must agree to be separated from her (although they aren’t together now) or the family must agree to take-in both of them, Andriy has to agree to this arrangement. So far, he’s rejected these situations and patiently waits for his Mama and Papa to come from the US. However, one question haunts me… When will his patience run out?

Aside from my fears and anxiety, I also feel sorry for myself at times. I hate this feeling of self-pity but it’s been creeping up lately. Most recently, at a baby shower this weekend where I was reminded that I have a storage full of baby supplies I may never use. I never had a chance to use it. I should have had that  chance but for some reason it never worked out.  I quickly came to the realization that I’m still mourning the loss of not having a baby and now a new dose of reality: I may have lost the chance to ever have a little itty baby. The thought of losing Andriy and Katya at this point is unbearable.

Overall, what's gotten me through these few weeks was the amazing support and encouragement from friends, family, acquaintances and kind strangers! Thank you to all of our heroes, those who have stepped out and made an effort to support our adoption, both financially and spiritually! We truly appreciate it and the success of our fundraiser has encouraged us every step of the way! Please continue to pray for God's hand to be over every step of this process, from the dossier to the flight home! God-willing, we hope to pick Andriy and Katya up in February!

Exciting News

I have been meaning to update the blog since shortly after Andriy’s departure, but it’s been quiet the whirlwind at the Kravchuk Residence. After a very difficult goodbye, we’ve been knee-deep in paperwork .  I’d like to thank everyone who has checked in with us and asked about our little guy! It means so much to have the support of so many friends and family! For those of you who don’t know him, here’s a bit of background about our favorite 9 year old.

Andriy was born in 2003 in Makeyevka, Ukraine.. Andriy explained he lived with his grandma for a few years, but has been in the orphanage since. He has never met his mother, and because she is an alcoholic, her rights were long revoked and she has never been involved in her children’s lives. Andriy’s father was killed when Andriy was young, and only has a few faint memories of him. Andriy has a brother that is approximately 13 that has lived with a foster family for several years. Andriy also has a little 3 year old sister named Katya, who was orphaned at birth, but lives at another orphange. Andriy talked about his sister with such joy, but he has only seen her once in his lifetime, when they were admitted at the same hospital, apparently a nurse made the connection and took him down to see his little sister for the first time.  

Andriy came to the US with lots of anxiety, little self-worth, impaired vision and a host of other issues (cursing being one of the minor ones, lol). Andriy is considered legally blind when he doesn’t wear his glasses, and needs special glasses with a 10.5 prescription. Despite of the challenges Andriy has faced in his short life, this kiddo lit up our whole world and had an amazing attitude about life. Andriy had never before had his own toys, a birthday party (he didn't know when his own birthday), let alone glasses that were the right prescription. With God's help, he left our home with many toys, a birthday bash and a cool pair of glasses that  enabled him to see the world in 20-20! The hosting experience was more wonderful than we ever hoped for! A few weeks into his visit, we knew we couldn't say goodbye to Andriy because the thought of him growing up without the care and love of a family broke our hearts. 

We have decided to adopt Andriy and make him part of our forever family! A few days after committing to adopt Andriy, we received an email stating that Andriy actually has a three year old sister named Katya! Much to our surprise, God has led us to adopt both Andriy and Katya. I say that we are surprised, because Roman and I had previously considered international adoption, but for financial and personal reasons, we had decided domestic infant adoption was the best route for us. Clearly, God had his own plan. Unfortunately, we can no longer move forward with our domestic adoption and have lost the $18,000 we have already paid towards our domestic adoption. In addition, the cost of the international adoption is going to be somewhere between $34,000-$42,000. Those numbers put a pit in our stomach, but we believe if God guides, He also provides!  Whenever we feel anxiety over that exorbitant expense, we think of Andriy and what a blessing he has been in our life and we find a way to rationalize it.

Katya, Age 3

Many people have approached us to ask how they can help or contribute to the adoption. I have set up a fundraiser to help fund a portion of our adoption expenses. Please note Pure Charity sends all proceeds directly to our agency and can provide contributors with a tax-deductible receipt. Thank you in advance for your prayers and support! Most of all, thank you for helping us bring Andriy and Katya home to their forever family! Please join us for yet another roller-coaster ride through the journey of international adoption!

www.purecharity.com/kravchukadoption

Changing Lives - Orphan Hosting

If you are anything like me, you are looking at the calendar and trying to figure out how it’s already mid-August and shocked at how summer has flown by. Our summer has consisted of trips, family outings, soaking up the sun, swimming, playing lots of volleyball and most recently, orphan hosting. We’ve had the pleasure of hosting Andriyko, our 9 year old Ukrainian smarty-pants for two weeks now. I was extremely stressed out the week prior to Andriy’s arrival as there had been several changes to flights, delayed visas and unexpected costs that we were not prepared for.  Like most women, I don't do well with unexpected changes.  Andriy arrived several days late, exhausted, hungry and terrified, but we were grateful he arrived safely. It’s been a busy time for us in the Kravchuk household, with lots of laughing and some crying (mostly on my part, as I wasn’t prepared for how much sympathy I’d feel towards this little guy).  Here are a few of the most memorable Andriy moments thus far:

 

-          Andriy would not take a shower the first night he arrived (mostly nerves) and explained that he could only shower if it was Wednesday. (They shower once a week at his orphanage).

-          The first morning we woke up, Andriy was sitting on the edge of the bed with his clothes folded and his bed perfectly made. He is very helpful and tries to help around the house any chance he gets.

-          Andriy’s amazement the first time he saw sliding doors at Target. He said “Is this Abra kadabra?”

-          When asked what he wants to be when he grows up, he said “Dvornikom” which is janitor in Russian, because his favorite activity is washing the floor. We quietly chuckled.

-          Andriy takes pictures of everything (every toy, kitchen cabinet, painting, etc.) so he can show his friends at the orphanage. He recently asked for our photo album and proceeded taking pictures of every photo in it.

-          Andriy has a bit of a cursing problem. He is improving quite a bit, but it’s still a work in progress. At one point we were waiting at the DMV and he yelled some Russian profanities when his patience ran out (I couldn’t blame him), most adults can’t even handle the DMV. 

-          Andriy lined up his few toys and called us into his room and very proudly said, “Look at my wealth.”

-          After attending church this Sunday, Andriy said, “Wow, I am very popular! Everyone in America knows my name, and one person even said they have been praying for me. Actually, I think the entire galaxy knows who I am.”

-          Every night before bed, we tell Andriy a Bible story, memorize a new verse and pray for him and his vision specifically (we found out he has some major vision problems and is considered legally blind). One evening we prayed earlier than usual and when we were tucking him in, he said we had forgotten to pray. We weren’t going to discourage another prayer, so we all got down on our knees and Andriy said he wanted to thank God for healing his eyes and giving him better vision. Now Andriy told us he had never heard about God or Jesus before his visit, so the fact that he was grasping this concept was beautiful.  

The last two weeks have been both challenging and rewarding, but most of all, have been life-changing. Over the last few days, several people have mentioned how great it is that we are changing this little boy’s life and making such an impact, but I can honestly say he is changing our lives more than he’ll ever know! If you have never considered orphan hosting, please do, it’ll change your life!  It may seem overwhelming, but I would be more than happy to walk you through the steps and help you through the paperwork. If you have interest in participating in this ministry, but don’t have the finances, believe me if God guides, he provides! We’ve seen this in our lives over and over again.

 

 Please say a prayer for Andriy,  so he will enjoy his last few weeks in the US and so he may grasp God's unconditional love.

Unexpected Victories

Hi friends! Hope you are all enjoying your summer! I'm realizing I'm more of a California girl than I thought, it seems my mood rises along with the temperature. I've been feeling more optimistic this week than I have in months. Although we don't have any adoption news, there are three victories I'm celebrating: 

1) I have been pain-free for the last 60 days. Seems like an odd statement for a 24 year old, but often when living with my health condition I experience a lot of unpleasant side effects, one of which is chronic pain. Don't worry, I have learned to function through the pain, but boy,  living pain-free is something HUGE to celebrate!  Until I experienced poor health, I was never as grateful for the days of good health.  Praise God!!! 

2) My older sis Elina graduated from school with her bachelors degree a few days ago. This was a huge celebration because she has overcome many obstacles and challenges in her life and has been able to prosper despite of them. I'm very excited for the future God has planned for her! 

3) Last but not least, I've been praying for God to send me an answer as to what I'm supposed to be doing with all of this free time I have after losing Olivia. I left my full time job of 6 years in November and I was hopeful we would have been on adoption #2 by spring. When that didn't happen, I was praying that God would point me in the right direction and show me what I should be investing my time in during the wait. This Friday, I unexpectedly received my answer.  We were presented with an opportunity to host an orphan for the summer. The original host family backed out and they weren't able to find a family that could get their paperwork and payment submitted by the due date of the following Monday. Because Roman and I are adoption and foster-care certified, we had all the necessary documents and clearances that were needed to host. When I explained to the volunteer that we'd be able to step in and host the little boy, she was in tears and was relieved she wouldn't have to break the little boys heart. We are nervous but also super excited to welcome Andrey, a nine year old Ukrainian orphan,  into our family for 5 weeks later this summer. We hope we can reflect God's tender love and care while he is in our home and also show him a great time. Please pray that God gives us wisdom as we embark on this new journey! 

The reason I have been optimistic is summed up in one simple statement: God comes through and answers prayers! The last few months  I've had the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller on my mind. Feel free to give it a listen: 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=i6X71sXagUY