What NOT To Say to a Friend Struggling With Infertility

First of all, thank you to everyone who has shown support for what I'm doing and for the encouragement. It's greatly appreciated!

One of the things that has truly been on my heart during our journey through infertility is educating people about the struggles of infertility.

Many of my friends have asked me in the past about what they should or should not say to me. I've decided to provide some guidelines. Please know each women's sensitivity may vary depending on her personal struggle or situation, but I say better safe than sorry. I am also speaking more to women. While this is a couple's issue, this is something that usually affects women much more.

So here is my short guide, which comes from both experience and research.  Pardon me in advance for being somewhat blunt and sarcastic. 

THE BASICS:

Here are some things you should NOT say to women while they are struggling. Now if you have said any of these to someone, don't feel bad. I understand that people mean well. However, the more educated you are, the better.

1)Don't tell them to relax. This is called the "R" word in infertile circles. This is very rarely the problem for infertile people. While stress can be a problem, it is often not the issue for people who publicize their infertility journey. Stress is usually an issue that is quickly rectified.

2) Don't minimize the problem or say there are worse things that can happen. 
Don't say this really isn't a big deal or shouldn't bother them that much. Of course there are worse things that can happen. Any life-changing event could be worse, but it doesn't change how much it hurts.

3) Don't say they aren't meant to be parents or there's a reason why they aren't parents. Like well meaning Christians often say this trying to imply God's will is sovereign. Faith and God's presence is a huge issue for infertile women -- let them deal with this on their own or with a Christian counselor.

4)Don't ask "ты не хочиш чи не можеш?" If your friend (or an acquaintance) brings up their infertility to you, they are wanting to talk to to you about it. Only from that point on, the conversation is probably welcome. This can be a very painful topic otherwise. 

5)Don't play doctor. I've heart it all over the years, especially from our older helpful Russian women  "Have you tried accupuncture, massages, special tampons, standing on your head after sex, etc.? Certainly- but not all at the same time! 
  But, yes, believe me, we explored many different  avenues, be it based on faith, medical science or on an old wives tale.  Don't give medical advice unless you really know what you are talking about. 

6)Don't be crude. This should be obvious. Making jokes about "Do you need a lesson?" or "We can show you how it's done"  is just mean.

7)Be tender when making a pregnancy announcement but don't assume your friend won't be happy for you or wouldn't want to participate in the baby festivities, baby shower, etc. 

8) Don't complain about your pregnancy or your children. Obviously there are things to complain about but it is a wise move to find someone else to confide in with these problems. 

9) Don't push adoption.  The general rule is to not bring this up unless they bring it up first. This is a very wonderful and tender topic and when they are ready, they will share. Why do most people not adopt and have genetic children instead? Because biological children is the primary choice for most people. Women who are struggling with infertility are  no different in this desire. After spending years trying to become pregnant, considering adoption is a complete switching of gears, and it's just not always possible to do that. 

The fact that some don't adopt doesn't mean that they really didn't want children enough.  We decided to start a family for the same reasons most people do - we wanted to create a being that was a part of us.  Is it selfish?  Of course it is.  But so what?  Most people don't have to think twice about that. Fortunately, God has opened our heart to adoption, but it's not always that way for people struggling with infertility.  

Anyway, infertile couples aren't anymore  responsible to adopt, then fertile couples. If someone adopts for the wrong reasons, it isn't fair to anyone, especially the child.

10)Don't start any story with ... "I know someone..." or "I had a friend who..." These stories often feature the exception, not the rule. The biggest culprits: "I know  a friend who went on a vacation and then had a baby", and "I know a friend who got pregnant right after they adopted." These cause chills down an infertile women's spine.

11)Don't tell them that if they adopt, they will probably become pregnant. The fact is that less than 1% of couples conceive after adoption.
Support their decision to stop treatments. Again, a personal decision. Encourage them in whatever direction they choose. If they want advice, they'll ask.

12)Don't say "I hope you get pregnant, being a parent is the best thing ever," or "don't you wish you could have a baby? Look at my angel!" I have heard this on more than one occasion -- shocking? Yes. Painful? Yes. I know they meant well but it is hard to hear. I know being a parent is wonderful, that's usually why couples start trying to conceive to begin with.

Okay, so that's a lot of things NOT to do. Here's some things you can do:

1)Pray for them.
2)Put them in touch with other women "in their situation". (Ask them if they want to be contacted or do the contacting.)
3)Invite them to all events but give them the option to "opt" out of events that might be painful (baby showers, kid's parties,baptisms, etc.)
4)Invite them to child-free events whenever possible.
6)Recognize that not being able to have a child is the loss of a dream. It is the same as a single person who wants to get married not finding "the one". It's a loss of sorts. They will move through stages of grief including a time when they question their faith. However, they will cycle through this with love and prayer and the support of their friends and family.