Shaking Like a Leaf

This has been by far the hardest post for me write. I’ve been trying to find the words to sum up how I’ve been feeling the last few days since we heard the devastating news about our baby girl.  For those of you who are wondering what happened, on Wednesday, November 14^th, just a few days short of the due date, we received a call from our social worker, hardly holding back her tears, she needed to deliver some devastating news. She explained that our birth mom was taken to the hospital and had an emergency c-section and she was incredibly sorry but the baby didn’t survive. She shared her condolences and explained that this was the first time in 25 years of work that she's had a situation like this.

The first few days after getting the news are still all a bit fuzzy to me, when I wasn’t crying, I was completely zoned out and obsessing over the fact that all the plans, hopes and dreams I had thought I was realizing in just a few days, were just yanked away so painfully.  At first it was all too unbelievable. How could this be? The baby we had been preparing for, praying for, shopping for and already loved so much was no longer with us? How could she be gone before we even met her? We made so much room in our hearts to love the daughter God sent us, and he took her away before we even held her in our arms. For the first few days, I felt like that space in my heart was literally ripped out of me and all that was left was just a gaping whole of unrealized dreams.  The pack and play was set up, car seat installed, the formula put away, and the bottles all sterilized. How could this be?  This was supposed to be our happy ending. How could God allow this to happen? We knew our adoption journey wouldn’t guarantee smooth sailing. We knew the birth mom could change her mind or a million other worse case scenarios we had heard about, but our little girl not surviving at full term? How could this be?

 

At first, I just had so many questions and broken dreams.  I felt like life sent me two caskets: the first one— my inability to conceive, the second one—the death of a child promised to us. How was I suppose to morn something that was never even mine to begin with? After waiting for a child for almost 6 years this was a cross I felt was too heavy for me to carry.  Fortunately, I had my husband by my side. Those of you who know Roman, know he is optimistic to a tee and he always holds on to hope. God blessed me with this man for a reason. I know if it wasn’t for his encouragement, optimism and strong faith in the Lord, I would probably lay in bed crying for days on end. Roman and I were also extremely encouraged and comforted by the many messages, calls and visits we received from friends and family.  We were touched and in awe that our friends and family were more supportive of the adoption than we ever realized. Thank you all who remembered our family in prayer. God truly has the power to comfort and heal broken hearts like no one else can. 

We were supposed to drive down and pick Olivia up on Thanskgiving day, so this holiday will never be the same to us again. None the less, we had many things to be grateful for this Thursday. As horrible as this trial has been, a few positives we take from this tragedy is we now know we are truly capable of loving a child that is not biologically our own. We both loved Olivia more than we could have ever imagined and losing her made that so evident. Secondly, we know that God is a comforter in even the hardest times and when everything in life seems to be unbearable, God will never forsake us. He loves us through all of our pain and struggles. We were grateful that God has sent us an amazing support system, family and friends who will cry with us and pray with us. Lastly, we were grateful to have continued contact with the birth mom and hope that we can somehow impact  her life in a positive way, as she has impacted our lives in a way she will never understand.  We ask that you remember her in your prayers as well, as she is suffering this loss as well and unlike us, she does not have anyone to pray for her or encourage her in times of trial. 

Although we have gone through yet another trial in our journey of infertility/adoption, this is not the end of our story. We believe that God has set us on this path for a reason and we have to continue on this journey and trust the Lord despite of our fears and doubts. We are back on the adoption list and are once again waiting for a match. We pray that in the mean time, God will continue to heal our hearts. To sum things us,  I’d like to share a song that I’ve been carrying in my heart throughout this trial that has beautifully summed up our feelings and our cry to God during this time.

Feel free to check out the Big Daddy Weave version of this song here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjKy74VQs1o

Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big  and my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus,
'Cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory.
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

When I wake up in the night I feel the dark.
It's so hot inside my soul. I swear, there must be blisters on my heart.

So hold me Jesus,
'Cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory.
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

Surrender don't come natural to me.
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need...
And I've beat my head against so many walls,
I'm falling down, falling on my knees... God, please.
And Your grace rings out so deep. It makes my resistance seem so thin.

So hold me Jesus,
'Cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory.
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

Rest In Peace Our Baby Girl

Written for Olivia, the baby who we already loved so dearly, but never even held in our arms.

To the daughter who I'll never know,

who never belonged to me.

I have nothing to show

for all our agony.

How can I grieve this loss

when you were never even mine?

God took you to be with him

In his perfect time. 

How do I say goodbye,

when I never said hello?

Why is it I cry

for one I'll never know?

I felt you grow inside of me,

but you were never there.

I longed for you to be with me,

and show you how much I care.

The questions I have will never end,

I'll never understand

why God took you away from me

before I even held your hand.

To the daughter who I'll never know,

Please let me say one thing.

I love you more than you'll ever know,

and I'll see you in my dreams.

Love,

Mom and Dad 

RIP Olivia Kravchuk 

Adoption Update

Hello friends, the last few weeks have been quiet eventful, so I haven’t had as much time to post. However, I promised myself I'd be opened about our adoption story, so here’s an update:

A few weeks ago, we got the call from our adoption agency with the news that we’d be getting a baby girl sometime in November. We now know our little angel is scheduled to arrive on November 20, 2012. The birth mom is having a scheduled c-section, so we’ll be able to pick her up from the hospital and if everything goes smoothly, we should be able to bring her home on Thanksgiving Day. It’s amazing how God has been orchestrating this entire adoption!

After we received "the call" and learned more about our birth mom and our baby girl, both Roman and I have felt a whirlwind of emotions. We are mostly thrilled and excited but also overwhelmed and a bit nervous. I am most surprised by how much compassion and heartache I feel for the birth mom, who has already experienced so much sorrow and loneliness in her life. Although it’s natural to be nervous about a new chapter in life, we have to remind each other to lay all of our fears before God. We are human though, and we still have many unanswered questions. Will the birth mom change her mind after delivering the baby? What if we don’t bond with the baby? Will she be healthy? What kind of parents will we be? The crazy thing about adoption is most things are out of your control, and those who know me well, know how difficult it is for me to accept that. The neat thing about this process is we have no choice but to trust in God alone. We are humbled by this journey and are honored to serve in God's plan for this child. 

All of our friends and family have been amazing throughout this journey! Most everyone is super supportive but also cautious about our adoption.  At the start of the adoption process, we were told the birth mom has about 10 days after birth to sign off on all of the adoption papers. In the mean time, we’ll be taking the baby home from the hospital upon discharge. In other words, the birth mom can technically take the baby back if she changes her mind within those first few days, SCARY – I know! Although this rarely happens, it's still gut wrenching to think about at times. Fortunately, we are confident in our adoption plan and our birth mom's decision, as she doesn't have the means to take care of a baby.  We have taken many leaps of faith throughout this process, but this will be the biggest one yet! We are confident that this is a risk worth taking, as God has led us this far for a purpose. After all, if our birth mom changes her mind after a few days, we’ll know God placed us in this child's life for a reason beyond our understanding. In just the last few weeks, this baby has been showered with so many blessings from above! I whole heartily believe God's name will be glorified through this process, regardless of the outcome!

I kindly ask you to join us in prayer as we await the arrival of our daughter Olivia. Please pray for our birth mom who is broken and hurting, that she may find God through this process and find hope in her life.  Please pray for the psychological and physical health of both our precious baby girl and our birth mom. Please pray that God may continue to give us understanding and wisdom throughout this journey. We also pray for courage and faith to continue to rely on God alone! Thank you for your continued support and encouragement. May God Bless you!

WE GOT THE CALL!

Friends and family, we are super excited to announce that we have been selected by a birth mom for our adoption! If all goes well, we will have a precious baby girl in November!!! Please pray with us as we walk this path, prepare for our little angel, meet the birth mom, and iron out all the details. Thanks in advance for your love, support, and prayers! We are overwhelmed with joy and so grateful for God's perfect timing!

I'm Still Angry with Infertility

Regardless of  how  high spirited  I try to be, the truth is there are still days that I can't shake the fact that infertility sucks! Every month  there is still a day or two when I can't quite crawl out of the hole of infertility sadness. It’s typically only a  few days of the month and the other 29 days of the month I’m nice ole happy Krystyna! I think "YES! Adoption! I CAN'T WAIT! I honestly don't mind that he/she won't be our biological child! Oh look, what a cute baby! What a beautiful rainbow! God is Good!!"

On the dark days,  I sulk in sadness and think,  "Why don't I  have a baby yet? Everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant with such ease and here I am, waiting for 5 years and feeling completely helpless and out of control. Why hasn't God blessed me with good health? ” On these days every Facebook, Instrigram and Pinterest visit seems to pour salt into my open infertility wound. I feel guilty for feeling this way. Why can’t I just get over the pain of infertility once and for all?

After some reflection, I have come to the realization that no matter how truly happy I am to adopt and how confident I am in God’s hand in our adoption, there may always be a part of me that’s angry about my infertility. Even after we have a children somehow, someway, and that anger has diminished significantly, I'll always remember and I’m not quite the women I dreamed I would be. I hate dealing with the side effects of my illness and I hate the constant reminder that I'm not quite as healthy as I'd like to believe I am.  However, I have to find peace in the fact that God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). I can’t get over this anger or sadness alone. In Christ alone I can find healing for my broken heart! I have to continue to pray for healing and realize that wounds can heal quickly, but only with the proper ointment. God is that ointment and I need to trust in him, not in my own understanding!

Sorry about the negative vent, but I promised myself I'd be real and raw about this journey.

A Birth Mother’s Sacrifice

I wanted to share a quick story I read online about a birth mom and her decision to make an adoption plan for her daughter. This 17 year old girl was faced with an unplanned pregnancy and had to make a very difficult and selfless decision at a very young age.

“In most situations, a woman carrying a child does not have to grapple with the decision of adoption. In most situations, a child is born into a family ready and happily prepared to raise the child. And in most situations, from the time the child is a newborn, parents make difficult decisions and tremendous sacrifices out of love for their children every day.

In my situation, the decision to make an adoption plan for my child was no less an act of sacrificial love. The decision came from that same desire to give my child the very best that I could, to ensure her well-being, to give her both a mother and a father, and a chance for a good future in an uncertain world. My decision was both an act of love and an act of hope; because in my situation, the best for her meant separation from me.

Parents have a duty and obligation to raise the children entrusted to them in the best way possible. And my decision to place came from the deep and powerful understanding of my duty and responsibility. No matter what other people think, I did not reject her. I did not “get rid” of her. And I did not “give her up.” Rather, I lovingly created a family for her so that she could have the security, permanency, and stability that I could not guarantee.

I placed my daughter for adoption because I refused to have her grow up in the circumstances in which I was living, circumstances that I could not change at the time. Authentic parenthood requires a heroic, selfless love. I loved my daughter, I love her still, and that is why I chose adoption, not abortion and not even to parent myself.”

Please join us as we pray for all of the birth moms out there facing unplanned pregnancies. These moms are faced with incredibly difficult decision and options such as abortion, adoption or parenting. Let’s pray God leads them to make the right decision, the decision to give life to a child. 

Seven Months Later...

So apparently I'm not the best blogger.  I've taken a little break from blogging the last month, partly because I haven't been very inspired, but also because I've been distracted with summer festivities and events. All in all, there hasn't been any news on the adoption front,  seven months later, we're still waiting for the call. :( Fortunately, the busy summer and the anticipation for my brother's wedding has been a great distraction! The wedding was incredibly sweet and a ton of fun, but now that it's over,  I'm going to need some serious distractions to keep my mind off of the waiting. Did I mention I hate waiting? God is definitely teaching me patience through this journey, much to my dismay.

So here's the plan... I am NOT going to sulk in my impatience and self pity. I am NOT going to feel sorry for myself, as I know that's one of the most detrimental things an infertile gal can do to herself.  I'm going to continue to live my life to the fullest while we're waiting for this baby. I'm going to temporarily close the baby room door and focus on pursuing new goals and hobbies. I don't really have any hobbies or extra curricular activities, so I need to get creative. In the meantime, I'm going to throw myself into growing my new business Travel By Krystyna, focus on getting in shape, spend more time with family, clean more, cook more and may even attempt baking! I can focus on becoming a better wife, a better mommy-to-be and just a better ME! Do you have any cool hobbies or activities you'd recommend? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. Also, please continue to pray for Roman and I, as well as our future birth-mom and baby.