I wanted to start off by thanking you all for your prayers and support during the last few weeks. If it wasn't for the encouragement, prayers and God 's grace I don't know how we'd make it through. After a lot of thinking, I asked Krystyna if I could share about some thoughts on her blog. I know it's not very common to hear about infertility and adoption from a husband's point of view, as it's not very popular for men to speak openly about their emotions. To be honest, the last two years have been the hardest time in my life. I've had to sit back, feeling helpless and watch my wife suffer through pain, surgery, adoption and grieve the death of our baby Olivia. Don't get me wrong, I'm happily married and love my wife and I am surprised by how brave she is and I've never been upset with her or blamed her for any issues we've had. On a positive note, the last years have brought me much closer to God and I've learned to see the positive in God's plan.
As positive as I am now, no one would believe that I've had sad and dark moments in the last few years. One of the darkest times for me was around the time Krystyna had to get surgery. I tried to encourage her through this dark time but inside I felt so alone, helpless and very hopeless. The stress had caused me to lose 22 lbs in one month, get a small ulcer and many grey hairs. With every doctor appointment I sat through with Krystyna, it felt impossible to hold on to hope or any of God's promises, and all along I tried to stay positive for my wife. As the days went by, I kept stating and praying that God had a plan for us and we would see better days. There were days that I'd get so frustrated and felt ignored by God. I didn't feel any results from my many prayers. I would practice one exercise where I would make a list in my mind of all the positives I had to be grateful for, and most times the list of negatives would somehow seem smaller. A few weeks later, I was faced with the most difficult decision in my life up to this day. Adoption.
Unlike Krystyna, adoption was a huge and very scary decision for me to make. Krystyna had mentioned it to me many times before and I told her I wasn't ready, and we even discussed the idea of adopting when we were dating. I had learned from my dad that any decision should be made through praying and fasting. It took many prayers, fasts and counseling from pastors for me to make the decision. This was a hard decision because I was scared I'd never love this child as my own. I felt it was unfair that I'd have to deal with and raise child that came from unfortunate circumstances and unclean background. I also thought I needed to be ultra- spiritual to raise a child that wasn't mine. As I continued to pray, the idea of adoption didn't seem as scary and became more natural. Even throughout the process, I had my doubts as people came up to me and said that adoption wasn't a good idea, and waiting for our own kids would be better and we should try harder for our own. I still continued to pray and had more confidence in our adoption decision.
In late September, I got the call from Krystyna that we were chosen and would get a baby girl in November, even though the situation was ideal, I wanted to spend an hour in prayer before responding to our social worker. As we moved forward, everything was going so smoothly and I had so much peace in my heart. All of my previous fears about adoption went away and I had no doubts. When we got the news that Olivia died, I felt like someone broke my heart into pieces. Before, when we talked about the baby and made plans for family Christmas cards, painting her nursery and other things, I had such joy in my heart. I felt like we were changing a child's life and this baby who I had never seen also already changed my life so much. Of course as positive as I am, I tried to stay strong and say all the right things in front of my wife and family. I felt like I needed to be strong for my heartbroken wife and in front of friends. I clearly remember one day, a few days after, on a long drive from work I couldn't hold it and finally just broke down crying in the car and cried out to God. When will someone be strong for ME? When will I get some answers? When will we see the light at the end of the tunnel? I had a heart to heart with God and after I felt so much better (apparently letting out your emotions works , women may be onto something).
As the days went by, some days were more difficult and some more bearable. I couldn't understand what happened but I tried to find something positive out of the situation. In this process, I reassured myself that I can truly love a child that is not my own. Also, we were able to serve a birth mom in dark moments of her life. I also have the peace of mind that baby Olivia is with Jesus now and God gave her something we couldn't even guarantee, salvation.
Even now, I still struggle and have been taking one day at a time trying to find purpose in everything we've gone through. One thing That still remains is I know God has a beautiful plan for our family. I want to leave you with one last thought, don't be afraid to share your emotions and struggles with others you trust. Seek guidance from a pastor or elder you trust and don't be ashamed of admitting you need prayer or help. Always remember God has plans to prosper you, not to harm you. It's all about a positive attitude!
Roman Kravchuk
