What No One Tells You About Adoption - Love is NOT Always Enough

Three years ago when we dove head-first into adopting our children, doe-eyed and full of optimism,   I whole-heartedly believed love would be enough to solve all their problems and heal all their hurts. I knew there would be issues, we had done the research, we had spent countless hours in classes on trauma-informed parenting, RAD (attachment disorder) and PTSD.  I knew it would be difficult, it would take time to work through the issues but wasn't too worried, after all, love was on our side and love could fix their issues. Fast forward a year post-adoption and I found myself facing a very different reality. The happy-go-lucky family people were seeing on social media was not always as happy as we wanted them to believe and the harsh post-trauma reality set in. No one understood and could relate to the pain, hurt, anger and blow-ups we were experiencing behind closed doors.  I was failing and my hope was dwindling. I was scared (still am) if I talk about the difficulties, people would shy away from adopting. I didn't want people to think we regretted it or discourage them from pursuing adoption. If you are considering it, or experiencing this, please know you are not alone.  As a mom, I should have all the answers. I should be able to make my kid feel better, work through his issues and help him solve his problems. I hit a dark whole when I realized I could not solve his problems. In fact,  I seemed to be the cause of his problems half of the time. I often felt I was trapped in my home as a prisoner. My sons trauma were the bars that kept me entrapped in guilt, shame and frustration. Why had God not healed Andrey and made things a bit easier on us after all the craziness we had already gone through? But the hardest pill to swallow, after all my efforts and energy, I could not make him love me back.

No one warned me (or maybe they did but I was too optimistic to listen) that'd I'd  poor all my efforts, time, energy, prayers, money, love and patience into parenting a 11-year old boy who then turns around and repays me in anger, frustration and hatred.  There was a period where it felt like I was his arch-enemy.  In hindsight, I was throwing a teenage-like emotional tantrum of my own.  How dare he be ungrateful, selfish, hurtful and angry after all we'd done for him? Didn't he realize he should be grateful to have a family? Why couldn't he see how good he had it? At least once weekly people would say something along these lines " they must be so grateful to have a family, a room and his own toys. He is so incredibly lucky. He must love you to the moon and back." It was so far from the truth that I was often speechless. I didn't want to admit it then, but I felt so defeated. We had risked so much, energy, time, money and finally made it home from the hellish weeks we spent in Ukraine. When I entered my home I should have felt joy and warmth from finally getting my wish of bringing home the children I desperately fell in love with.  God had placed this unexplainable love and drive to help these children and call them my own, I had no doubt about that. What I could not understand, is why had it gotten harder and harder to parent Andrey with each passing day? I had never stopped loving him, but I did not always like him and his actions were often appalling to me. Well a few years later, I can sum it up quietly simply:
                                                             Hurt people hurt people.
They don't know love. It's a foreign idea to them. They don't recognize it and they don't know how to respond to it. You have to find a different approach and be very patient.

When Jonah was born, people often asked us if we felt a difference between him and our adopted children. Honestly, yes, but not for the reasons they think. We love them the same, but the love that is reciprocated is different. Jonah is a newborn who has spent every day with me. I know his different cries, his preferences, health history and biological make up. When Jonah cries, a whole slew of people come running to sooth and comfort him. With our older ones, we are peeling them apart like an onion, learning about their past, their likes, dislikes, preferences, fears and insecurities, one layer at a time. The baby knows laughter, comfort, gentle carress, goo-goos and ga-gas, and love. Andrey and Katya, they know hurt. They didn't know love, it was as foreign to them as abuse and neglect is to me. Katya was fortunate enough to be placed in an orphanage with young children and her biggest enemy of growing up was neglect. When she cried because of a wet diaper, no one came running. When she fell and injured herself, no one rushed her to the emergency room and kissed away her boo-boos. Andrey had not grown up with a family who encouraged and praised him, reaffirmed their love on a daily-basis or even provided for his basic needs of air, sleep, food and warmth. Andrey had a family that consisted of 100+ children from the age of 7-15. He was abused, neglected and traumatized by this family of children and care-takers. The only family he knew was a harsh and bitter reality that no person, let alone a child, should have to live through. The difference is when I go to hug my baby, he hugs me back and greets me with a warm smile, because he feels safe. For a long time, when I would try to hug Andrey  he would flinch, or fight me off, saying something like "you are so annoying, what do you want?"

The truth is parenting a child with post-traumas is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I don't regret it for one moment, but often I feel I'm not cut-out for it. Then I'm reminded that God makes families and he must see something in me that my children need. The problem is I often feel like a horrible parent. Why isn't my love enough to help him? The truth is the things my son has experienced in his lifetime must be so painful and difficult, that this is how much it has impacted him. I know MY love may not be enough, but I know God is more than enough!

 Can I ask a favor? Can you please pray for our family and Andrey specifically? We know that God is doing his work with him and he's made so much progress, but we need help and wisdom in parenting. Only God knows how to heal his heart and to mend his wounds. I pray for wisdom as a mother to parent three very different children from different backgrounds. Most of all, I pray that Andrey accepts God's goodness and finds healing in our home, church and community.