A Husband's Struggle - By Roman Kravchuk

A Word From My Husband

I wanted to start off by thanking you all for your prayers and support during the last few weeks. If it wasn't for the encouragement, prayers and God 's grace I don't know how we'd make it through. After a lot of thinking, I asked Krystyna if I could share about some thoughts on her  blog. I know it's not very common to hear about infertility and adoption from a husband's point of view, as it's not very popular for men to speak openly about their emotions. To be honest, the last two years have been the hardest time in my life. I've had to sit back, feeling helpless and watch my wife suffer through pain, surgery,  adoption and grieve the death of our baby Olivia.  Don't get me wrong,  I'm happily married and love my wife and I am surprised by  how brave she is and I've never been upset with her or blamed her for any issues we've had. On a positive note, the last years have brought me much closer to God and I've learned to see the positive in God's plan.

As positive as I am now, no one would believe that I've had sad and dark moments in the last few years. One of the darkest times for me was around the time Krystyna had to get surgery. I tried to encourage her through this dark time but inside I felt so alone, helpless and very hopeless. The stress had caused me to lose 22 lbs in one month, get a small ulcer and many grey hairs. With every doctor appointment I sat through with Krystyna, it felt impossible to hold on to hope or any of God's promises, and all along I tried to stay positive for my wife. As the days went by, I kept stating  and praying that God had a plan for us and we would see better days.  There were days that I'd get so frustrated and felt ignored by God. I didn't feel any results from my many prayers. I would practice one exercise where I would make a list in my mind of all the positives I had to be grateful for, and most times the list of negatives would somehow seem smaller. A  few weeks later, I was faced with the most difficult decision in my life up to this day. Adoption. 

Unlike Krystyna, adoption was a huge and very scary decision for me to make. Krystyna had mentioned it to me many times before and I told her I wasn't ready, and we even discussed the idea of adopting when we were dating. I had learned from my dad that any decision should be made through praying and fasting. It took many prayers, fasts and counseling from pastors for me to make the decision. This was a hard decision  because I was scared I'd never love this child as my own. I felt it was unfair that I'd have to deal with and raise child that came from unfortunate circumstances and unclean background. I also thought I needed to be ultra- spiritual to raise a child that wasn't mine. As I continued to pray, the idea of adoption didn't seem as scary and became more natural. Even throughout the process, I had my doubts as people came up to me and said that adoption wasn't a good idea, and waiting for our own  kids would be better and we should try harder for our own. I still continued to pray and had more confidence in our adoption decision. 

In  late September, I got the call from Krystyna that we were chosen and would get a baby girl  in November, even though the situation was ideal, I wanted to spend an hour in prayer before responding to our social worker. As we moved forward, everything was going so smoothly and I had so much peace in my heart. All of my previous fears about adoption went away and I had no doubts. When we got the news that Olivia died, I felt like someone broke my heart into pieces. Before, when we talked about the baby and made plans for family Christmas cards, painting her nursery and other things, I had such joy in my heart. I felt like we were changing a child's life and this baby who I had never seen also already changed my life so much. Of course as positive as I am, I tried to stay strong and say all the right things in front of my wife and family. I felt like I needed to be strong for my heartbroken wife and in front of friends. I clearly remember one day, a few days after, on a long drive from work I couldn't hold it and finally just broke down crying  in the car and cried out to God. When will someone be strong for ME? When will I get some answers? When will we see the light at the end of the tunnel? I  had a heart to heart with God and after  I felt so much better (apparently letting out your emotions works , women may be onto something). 

As the days went by, some days were more difficult and some more bearable. I couldn't understand what happened but I tried to find something positive out of the situation. In this process, I reassured myself that I can truly love a child that is not my own. Also, we were able to serve a birth mom in dark moments of her life. I also have the peace of mind that baby Olivia is with Jesus now and God gave her something we couldn't even guarantee, salvation. 

Even now, I still struggle and have been taking one day at a time trying to find purpose in everything we've gone through. One thing That still remains is I know God has a beautiful plan for our family. I want to leave you with one last thought, don't be afraid to share your emotions and struggles with others you trust. Seek guidance from a pastor or elder you trust and don't be ashamed of admitting you need prayer or help. Always remember God has plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  It's all about a positive attitude! 

Roman Kravchuk  

Shaking Like a Leaf

This has been by far the hardest post for me write. I’ve been trying to find the words to sum up how I’ve been feeling the last few days since we heard the devastating news about our baby girl.  For those of you who are wondering what happened, on Wednesday, November 14^th, just a few days short of the due date, we received a call from our social worker, hardly holding back her tears, she needed to deliver some devastating news. She explained that our birth mom was taken to the hospital and had an emergency c-section and she was incredibly sorry but the baby didn’t survive. She shared her condolences and explained that this was the first time in 25 years of work that she's had a situation like this.

The first few days after getting the news are still all a bit fuzzy to me, when I wasn’t crying, I was completely zoned out and obsessing over the fact that all the plans, hopes and dreams I had thought I was realizing in just a few days, were just yanked away so painfully.  At first it was all too unbelievable. How could this be? The baby we had been preparing for, praying for, shopping for and already loved so much was no longer with us? How could she be gone before we even met her? We made so much room in our hearts to love the daughter God sent us, and he took her away before we even held her in our arms. For the first few days, I felt like that space in my heart was literally ripped out of me and all that was left was just a gaping whole of unrealized dreams.  The pack and play was set up, car seat installed, the formula put away, and the bottles all sterilized. How could this be?  This was supposed to be our happy ending. How could God allow this to happen? We knew our adoption journey wouldn’t guarantee smooth sailing. We knew the birth mom could change her mind or a million other worse case scenarios we had heard about, but our little girl not surviving at full term? How could this be?

 

At first, I just had so many questions and broken dreams.  I felt like life sent me two caskets: the first one— my inability to conceive, the second one—the death of a child promised to us. How was I suppose to morn something that was never even mine to begin with? After waiting for a child for almost 6 years this was a cross I felt was too heavy for me to carry.  Fortunately, I had my husband by my side. Those of you who know Roman, know he is optimistic to a tee and he always holds on to hope. God blessed me with this man for a reason. I know if it wasn’t for his encouragement, optimism and strong faith in the Lord, I would probably lay in bed crying for days on end. Roman and I were also extremely encouraged and comforted by the many messages, calls and visits we received from friends and family.  We were touched and in awe that our friends and family were more supportive of the adoption than we ever realized. Thank you all who remembered our family in prayer. God truly has the power to comfort and heal broken hearts like no one else can. 

We were supposed to drive down and pick Olivia up on Thanskgiving day, so this holiday will never be the same to us again. None the less, we had many things to be grateful for this Thursday. As horrible as this trial has been, a few positives we take from this tragedy is we now know we are truly capable of loving a child that is not biologically our own. We both loved Olivia more than we could have ever imagined and losing her made that so evident. Secondly, we know that God is a comforter in even the hardest times and when everything in life seems to be unbearable, God will never forsake us. He loves us through all of our pain and struggles. We were grateful that God has sent us an amazing support system, family and friends who will cry with us and pray with us. Lastly, we were grateful to have continued contact with the birth mom and hope that we can somehow impact  her life in a positive way, as she has impacted our lives in a way she will never understand.  We ask that you remember her in your prayers as well, as she is suffering this loss as well and unlike us, she does not have anyone to pray for her or encourage her in times of trial. 

Although we have gone through yet another trial in our journey of infertility/adoption, this is not the end of our story. We believe that God has set us on this path for a reason and we have to continue on this journey and trust the Lord despite of our fears and doubts. We are back on the adoption list and are once again waiting for a match. We pray that in the mean time, God will continue to heal our hearts. To sum things us,  I’d like to share a song that I’ve been carrying in my heart throughout this trial that has beautifully summed up our feelings and our cry to God during this time.

Feel free to check out the Big Daddy Weave version of this song here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjKy74VQs1o

Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big  and my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus,
'Cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory.
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

When I wake up in the night I feel the dark.
It's so hot inside my soul. I swear, there must be blisters on my heart.

So hold me Jesus,
'Cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory.
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

Surrender don't come natural to me.
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need...
And I've beat my head against so many walls,
I'm falling down, falling on my knees... God, please.
And Your grace rings out so deep. It makes my resistance seem so thin.

So hold me Jesus,
'Cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory.
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

Rest In Peace Our Baby Girl

Written for Olivia, the baby who we already loved so dearly, but never even held in our arms.

To the daughter who I'll never know,

who never belonged to me.

I have nothing to show

for all our agony.

How can I grieve this loss

when you were never even mine?

God took you to be with him

In his perfect time. 

How do I say goodbye,

when I never said hello?

Why is it I cry

for one I'll never know?

I felt you grow inside of me,

but you were never there.

I longed for you to be with me,

and show you how much I care.

The questions I have will never end,

I'll never understand

why God took you away from me

before I even held your hand.

To the daughter who I'll never know,

Please let me say one thing.

I love you more than you'll ever know,

and I'll see you in my dreams.

Love,

Mom and Dad 

RIP Olivia Kravchuk 

Adoption Update

Hello friends, the last few weeks have been quiet eventful, so I haven’t had as much time to post. However, I promised myself I'd be opened about our adoption story, so here’s an update:

A few weeks ago, we got the call from our adoption agency with the news that we’d be getting a baby girl sometime in November. We now know our little angel is scheduled to arrive on November 20, 2012. The birth mom is having a scheduled c-section, so we’ll be able to pick her up from the hospital and if everything goes smoothly, we should be able to bring her home on Thanksgiving Day. It’s amazing how God has been orchestrating this entire adoption!

After we received "the call" and learned more about our birth mom and our baby girl, both Roman and I have felt a whirlwind of emotions. We are mostly thrilled and excited but also overwhelmed and a bit nervous. I am most surprised by how much compassion and heartache I feel for the birth mom, who has already experienced so much sorrow and loneliness in her life. Although it’s natural to be nervous about a new chapter in life, we have to remind each other to lay all of our fears before God. We are human though, and we still have many unanswered questions. Will the birth mom change her mind after delivering the baby? What if we don’t bond with the baby? Will she be healthy? What kind of parents will we be? The crazy thing about adoption is most things are out of your control, and those who know me well, know how difficult it is for me to accept that. The neat thing about this process is we have no choice but to trust in God alone. We are humbled by this journey and are honored to serve in God's plan for this child. 

All of our friends and family have been amazing throughout this journey! Most everyone is super supportive but also cautious about our adoption.  At the start of the adoption process, we were told the birth mom has about 10 days after birth to sign off on all of the adoption papers. In the mean time, we’ll be taking the baby home from the hospital upon discharge. In other words, the birth mom can technically take the baby back if she changes her mind within those first few days, SCARY – I know! Although this rarely happens, it's still gut wrenching to think about at times. Fortunately, we are confident in our adoption plan and our birth mom's decision, as she doesn't have the means to take care of a baby.  We have taken many leaps of faith throughout this process, but this will be the biggest one yet! We are confident that this is a risk worth taking, as God has led us this far for a purpose. After all, if our birth mom changes her mind after a few days, we’ll know God placed us in this child's life for a reason beyond our understanding. In just the last few weeks, this baby has been showered with so many blessings from above! I whole heartily believe God's name will be glorified through this process, regardless of the outcome!

I kindly ask you to join us in prayer as we await the arrival of our daughter Olivia. Please pray for our birth mom who is broken and hurting, that she may find God through this process and find hope in her life.  Please pray for the psychological and physical health of both our precious baby girl and our birth mom. Please pray that God may continue to give us understanding and wisdom throughout this journey. We also pray for courage and faith to continue to rely on God alone! Thank you for your continued support and encouragement. May God Bless you!

WE GOT THE CALL!

Friends and family, we are super excited to announce that we have been selected by a birth mom for our adoption! If all goes well, we will have a precious baby girl in November!!! Please pray with us as we walk this path, prepare for our little angel, meet the birth mom, and iron out all the details. Thanks in advance for your love, support, and prayers! We are overwhelmed with joy and so grateful for God's perfect timing!

I'm Still Angry with Infertility

Regardless of  how  high spirited  I try to be, the truth is there are still days that I can't shake the fact that infertility sucks! Every month  there is still a day or two when I can't quite crawl out of the hole of infertility sadness. It’s typically only a  few days of the month and the other 29 days of the month I’m nice ole happy Krystyna! I think "YES! Adoption! I CAN'T WAIT! I honestly don't mind that he/she won't be our biological child! Oh look, what a cute baby! What a beautiful rainbow! God is Good!!"

On the dark days,  I sulk in sadness and think,  "Why don't I  have a baby yet? Everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant with such ease and here I am, waiting for 5 years and feeling completely helpless and out of control. Why hasn't God blessed me with good health? ” On these days every Facebook, Instrigram and Pinterest visit seems to pour salt into my open infertility wound. I feel guilty for feeling this way. Why can’t I just get over the pain of infertility once and for all?

After some reflection, I have come to the realization that no matter how truly happy I am to adopt and how confident I am in God’s hand in our adoption, there may always be a part of me that’s angry about my infertility. Even after we have a children somehow, someway, and that anger has diminished significantly, I'll always remember and I’m not quite the women I dreamed I would be. I hate dealing with the side effects of my illness and I hate the constant reminder that I'm not quite as healthy as I'd like to believe I am.  However, I have to find peace in the fact that God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). I can’t get over this anger or sadness alone. In Christ alone I can find healing for my broken heart! I have to continue to pray for healing and realize that wounds can heal quickly, but only with the proper ointment. God is that ointment and I need to trust in him, not in my own understanding!

Sorry about the negative vent, but I promised myself I'd be real and raw about this journey.

A Birth Mother’s Sacrifice

I wanted to share a quick story I read online about a birth mom and her decision to make an adoption plan for her daughter. This 17 year old girl was faced with an unplanned pregnancy and had to make a very difficult and selfless decision at a very young age.

“In most situations, a woman carrying a child does not have to grapple with the decision of adoption. In most situations, a child is born into a family ready and happily prepared to raise the child. And in most situations, from the time the child is a newborn, parents make difficult decisions and tremendous sacrifices out of love for their children every day.

In my situation, the decision to make an adoption plan for my child was no less an act of sacrificial love. The decision came from that same desire to give my child the very best that I could, to ensure her well-being, to give her both a mother and a father, and a chance for a good future in an uncertain world. My decision was both an act of love and an act of hope; because in my situation, the best for her meant separation from me.

Parents have a duty and obligation to raise the children entrusted to them in the best way possible. And my decision to place came from the deep and powerful understanding of my duty and responsibility. No matter what other people think, I did not reject her. I did not “get rid” of her. And I did not “give her up.” Rather, I lovingly created a family for her so that she could have the security, permanency, and stability that I could not guarantee.

I placed my daughter for adoption because I refused to have her grow up in the circumstances in which I was living, circumstances that I could not change at the time. Authentic parenthood requires a heroic, selfless love. I loved my daughter, I love her still, and that is why I chose adoption, not abortion and not even to parent myself.”

Please join us as we pray for all of the birth moms out there facing unplanned pregnancies. These moms are faced with incredibly difficult decision and options such as abortion, adoption or parenting. Let’s pray God leads them to make the right decision, the decision to give life to a child. 

Seven Months Later...

So apparently I'm not the best blogger.  I've taken a little break from blogging the last month, partly because I haven't been very inspired, but also because I've been distracted with summer festivities and events. All in all, there hasn't been any news on the adoption front,  seven months later, we're still waiting for the call. :( Fortunately, the busy summer and the anticipation for my brother's wedding has been a great distraction! The wedding was incredibly sweet and a ton of fun, but now that it's over,  I'm going to need some serious distractions to keep my mind off of the waiting. Did I mention I hate waiting? God is definitely teaching me patience through this journey, much to my dismay.

So here's the plan... I am NOT going to sulk in my impatience and self pity. I am NOT going to feel sorry for myself, as I know that's one of the most detrimental things an infertile gal can do to herself.  I'm going to continue to live my life to the fullest while we're waiting for this baby. I'm going to temporarily close the baby room door and focus on pursuing new goals and hobbies. I don't really have any hobbies or extra curricular activities, so I need to get creative. In the meantime, I'm going to throw myself into growing my new business Travel By Krystyna, focus on getting in shape, spend more time with family, clean more, cook more and may even attempt baking! I can focus on becoming a better wife, a better mommy-to-be and just a better ME! Do you have any cool hobbies or activities you'd recommend? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. Also, please continue to pray for Roman and I, as well as our future birth-mom and baby. 

Dear Child

Dear Child,

I am lying here late at night thinking of you. I should be sleeping, but I can't… 

I don't know anything about you yet. I don't know even know if you are a boy or a girl. I lay here wondering what you will be like, what you will sound like, look like? Will you be blonde and blue eyed like me or dark haired with deep eyes? Either way, I know you are going to be beautiful because God made you. In His eyes, and soon to be mine, you are perfect and you are fearfully and wonderfully made by the world’s greatest father!

Your life is a bit different though, but don’t ever let that stand in your way. You  are extremely blessed, because you have two mommies. One who made a huge sacrifice and carried you in her tummy for nine months and one who carried you in her heart for 5 years.

Every night I pray for you. I ask God to keep you in His Arms and hold you until I can. I have asked God daily for the moment to come when I can finally see your precious face. My heart longs for that moment. Who are you Little One? Will you like sports, art or music? Will you be a writer, a doctor or a great evangelist? Will you be laughing all the time or will you make others laugh? Maybe you will be serious and timid, contemplating the deep things of life.

All I know is that I want you to live to the fullest potential you have. BE all that God created you to be. My greatest desire for you is that you will surpass me in knowledge and desire for the Presence of the Lord. Your Daddy and I will have done our job if you serve the Lord with passion and fervor. I make a promise to God this night, and to you, that I will do my best to teach you to serve the Lord and worship His holy name!

You will be His ambassador, whether in the work place as a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher or in the ministry as a pastor, teacher, worship leader or evangelist of the Word. May you speak the wonderful word of God and see it come to pass in your life. May you always know that God created you for a purpose and you have been deeply loved and prayed for from the moment you came into existence.

I love you so much already, even though I don't know where you are or even if you are conceived yet. My love grows deeper for you each day. I hope you come home to me soon precious little child.

With Love,

Your Mom 

My Testimony

I’m approaching the one year anniversary of my surgery and  I've been thinking a lot about the state of mind I was in only a year ago. I’ve been reflecting a lot and have decided to share my testimony. Although my surgery was minor and I had a quick recovery, I can never express what a life changing time that was for me. One year ago today, I had only been working 2-3 hours at a time and popping Vicodin every few hours because of the pain I was in. I was in so much emotional and physical pain, I can’t even fathom how I got to that point.  I thought God gave up on me and I questioned God’s existence. I couldn't believe that my medical condition was getting worse at every check up. Three years prior, I had been told by my doctor that my medical condition puts me at a high risk for weight gain, diabetes, heart disease and cancer due to my crazy hormone imbalance. Let me tell you, this is the last thing a 19 year old wants to hear. 

When my condition worsened and my doctors told me I had type 2 diabetes, I lost it.  To be honest, I just felt SO sorry for myself and SO upset with God. At 21 years old I had been gaining weight uncontrollably, getting my blood drawn every few weeks and had to get a pap, ultra sound (not the fun kind) and a physical exam every 2-3 months. The doctors never offered me any options that appealed to us and they couldn't figure out why my case was so severe. When my pain worsened, I was referred to a specialist and when he did my exam, he confirmed that my case was really severe in comparison to others with the same condition. He called in a few other nurses to show them that I had 20-30 cysts on each ovary. He then proceeded to tell me the last patient he had with anything similar was diagnosed with uterine cancer a year ago. This is when I hit rock bottom. I tried to be strong and my bubbly old self in front of people, but inside I literally felt like I was dying. I don’t know if it was from all the heavy meds I was on, but every time I had felt pain in my stomach (very often) I had imagined my funeral and how I must have not had children so I don’t leave them behind, etc. A few weeks after this visit my pain was really severe and when I called my doctor he said we need to operate as soon as possible, because he’s scared of what he might find. The surgery was diagnostic and would also clean some of the endometriosis that was causing my pain. This was a Monday. He scheduled my surgery for Wednesday.  

I had to grasp in a matter of days that I'd wake up from surgery either diagnosed with cancer or possibly have one or both ovaries removed. I hadn't had a relationship with God at this point and had questioned his existence. How was I going to make it through this? I cried uncontrollably for the two days before my surgery and felt completely hopeless. This wasn't fair! Why did I have to go through this? Why me???  Tuesday evening I received a lot of text messages and phone calls from family and friends letting me know they'd be praying and they know God will give me peace. I yearned for peace SO much, because I had not felt peace in a long time. I held on to these words and the night before my surgery I just stood and cried on my knees. My prayer to God was this...

"God if you haven't abandoned me, please forgive me for my sins and my doubt and send me peace. If the doctors find cancer, give me peace. If my ovaries are removed, give me peace. Please Lord, let me find peace no matter what comes of tomorrow. "

The next morning I woke up with such an overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. I knew God was in control and I just surrendered all of my fears, anger, pain and took God's peace.  I even joked with my husband that it looked like he was the one going into surgery, because this poor guy was so worried. 

I realize now that my surgery was a blessing from above. They did not find cancer, Praise God! They cleaned the cysts and endometriosis and my doctor was confident that this would help my pain and allow me to live a more comfortable life. It wasn't a cure all, but it sure beat taking heavy meds all the time. The surgery pushed me to surrender all of my frustrations and run to God. The morning of the surgery, I knew without a doubt that my life would never be the same again. So here I am. I still struggle with my medical issues but my heart has been restored. My faith has been restored. My faith lies in him alone and I believe the Lord has plans to give me hope and a beautiful future! For if God is with me, who can stand against me? Surely not a medical condition! Surely not infertility! 

If you are going through something difficult and you feel like God has abandoned you, do not fear!!!! He is just a prayer away! Surrender your fears, frustrations and sins and he will come though, I PROMISE!!!! 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME VITAMIN LADY???

I had a run-in this weekend with an older Russian woman who approached me at a funeral, as I  finished sharing my condolences with the grieving family. I have to say, this incident is one for the books! It goes along with what NOT to say to someone struggling with infertility! As a matter of fact, this goes along with what NOT to say, EVER! 

 This lady approaches me and says she really needs to speak to me about something. Here goes her opening line, “I have these pills, they can help you take care of this area,” as she points at my stomach and waist. “You’ll have results in no time! You will actually have a defined waist line.” I am obviously a bit stunned at this point and explain “I’m sorry, but I don’t believe in diet pills.” She continues to tell me they are NOT diet pills, they are vitamins .“Krystyna, you obviously need them, your immune system is not working correctly.” I proceed to explain I believe dieting consists of eating right and exercising.

As if pointing out that I should lose weight wasn't bad enough, she proceeds with more offenses.  I should have ditched the conversation, but this lady was not backing down! “Krystyna, I noticed you don’t have children….” (THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!) “I really believe it’s because your immune system isn't working correctly, you really need these vitamins!” Instead of listening to my instinct and just bolting for the door at this point, I continued to politely explain to this acquaintance that I have a medical condition I've been struggling with for years. I work with some of the best reproductive health doctors in Northern California and I already take lots of medicine, therefore I don’t want anything to mess with the plan my doctors have me on, yada yada. She interrupts me, "What is your condition anyways? What's the problem? Maybe I can help.” Yes, I’m sure you can. Please show me your PhD - then maybe we can talk!

She continues...“Krystyna, do you want to be healthy? These vitamins can help you. You think you’ve tried everything, but obviously you haven’t. If you fix your immune system, you’ll be able to have children. Why aren’t you trying more? Do you think you have all the answers? That’s it, come to my house, I live a few minutes away, you need these pills!”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME LADY? Yes, you are right! I don’t have children because I don’t want them enough. I had surgery and have taken a dozen medications at a time for fun. I should have just tried your vitamins instead! They are miracle vitamins, they are for losing weight, gaining weight, healing infertility, ulcers, etc!   I’m sorry if I’m not willing to try every pill offered to me by doctors. WAIT, you AREN’T a doctor? That’s right, you are just trying to make a sale. Thank you very much for offending me in every way imaginable in a matter of minutes! Nice sales pitch! Does that really work on others? ARE YOU KDDIING ME VITAMIN LADY????  NOT COOL!

Waiting Sucks!

Waiting is all I seem to do lately. I’m sorry  for being a Negative Nancy, but it’s been a hard couple of weeks for me, and I told you all I’d let you in on the highs and lows of infertility and adoption, so here’s the honest truth. I’ve began looking to God for supernatural patience and peace, because I can’t seem to get a handle on those myself. Perhaps Mother’s Day, baby showers and the newborn babies in my life have added to my impatience, but none the less, it’s been difficult.

Waiting sucks. We're almost on month 5 of the adoption wait. Back when we were filling out the pages and pages of adoption paperwork, we had to reveal every personal detail of our lives, medical history, financial history, etc. Now that we haven't been chosen, I’m starting to wonder what about our lives is so unappealing (I know, this is irrational)!  It's teaching me to have more patience, to realize that sometimes the good things that happen in life are the ones worth waiting for, and that I can't force something to happen that's not quite ready to occur. None the less, I still hate waiting. 

  
The only way I can describe this point of the process is that it's a lot like getting picked for the kickball team when you're in elementary school.  As the months go by with no call, it feels a lot like being one of the last two kids left to be chosen for the team-the one who has the crappy reflexes or the chubby kid who can’t run fast.  I keep trying to tell myself that the longer we wait, the better the match will be, because God’s going to send us our child, but the feeling that perhaps they won't find a match (which I know is irrational, but who said any of this is rational to begin with?) still tries to grab hold of my psyche.  That is the danger of this whole waiting game-that you have too much time to over analyze everything.

Did I mention that I hate waiting? Please keep us in our prayers, as we may have a long wait in front of us and we’d like to stay as positive as possible. I personally pray that God uses this time to prepare us for parenting (I hear you need lots of patience) and helps me focus on the blessings in my life. Thanks in advance! 

Husbands - Beware of The Following Statements

Husbands, we love you, but there are some things you should avoid saying to your wife throughout infertility.  Some of these are too funny!

1) My mother wants to give you some fertility advice so I told her you’d call her.

2) It’s a buddy’s fishing weekend so I might have to miss your ovulation period this month. Is that okay?

3) The fertility clinic called with your test results but I accidentally deleted the message.

4) You look bloated. Are you getting your period or could you be pregnant?

5) I told my sister you would be happy to plan her baby shower.

6) Why are you crying? It’s only a period.

7) Did you gain weight this cycle?

8) I heard if we just relax, it might happen.

9) I told my sister you’d take her shopping at the maternity store.

10)  Check out my ex-girlfriend’s cute maternity photos on Facebook!

11)  Are you crying AGAIN? Maybe you are pregnant! 

12)  I think you’re too obsessed about getting pregnant.

13)  Why do we always have to talk about getting pregnant?

14)  I invited your mother to our fertility appointment. 

15)  Don't worry honey, you wouldn't look good as a pregnant woman anyways.

16)  Why are you crying? It’s only a baby shower.

17)  Let’s go on vacation and maybe it will just happen!(I personally love this idea! J)

18)  I told my pregnant sister all our potential baby names and she might use one. Isn't that exciting? 

Celebrating (or simply surviving) Mother's Day

Unless you've struggled with infertility, you've probably never looked past the gifts, flowers and lovely mother’s day brunches. The truth is that Mother’s Day is one of the hardest days for most struggling with infertility. It’s a double whammy - Another anniversary of a year gone by without a baby — and a holiday that specifically excludes you.

Mother’s Day often means getting together with family members to celebrate their motherhood. This can be very difficult for a woman who is trying hard to have a baby but hasn’t yet succeeded, leaving her feeling isolated and alone. I’ve spent many mothers’ days holding back tears after church service and wondering why life is so unfair. But guess what, I survived, so will you! There are two ways you can generally cope with M-Day.

Sitting Mother’s Day Out

You should take your emotional temperature before deciding to sit out and go into hibernation for the day. Ask yourself, “How does Mother’s Day really make you feel?”. If it’s just awful and you won’t be able to contain  your emotions, then have a talk with your  mom and let her know you need some space and would love to celebrate HER another day, away from all of the commotion. You can “sit out” Mother’s Day with an activity you enjoy that is completely unrelated to the holiday.  But beware, It’ll be hard to avoid the festivities all together; as you will be subjected to Mother’s Day photos and Mommy-related status updates on facebook. 

Jumping into Mother’s Day

Let’s say your temperature about Mother’s Day is just mildly elevated to slightly unpleasant and difficult. (OK, let’s just say the holiday doesn’t make you want to stick needles in your eyes.) Then, celebrating your own mother could be the coping strategy that works for you.


You can take the bull by the horns and plan a brunch or dinner to celebrate your mom, after all, that’s what the holiday is about in the first place. Keep busy celebrating her, and you may forget your sadness for a while.

Making your mother the center of attention (thus taking the attention of yourself) may work, particularly if you and your mother are close and she has been supportive throughout your infertility battle. Use this as a chance to thank her for her support.

The main thing is to recognize that you have a right to feel upset about this holiday, and every right to manage it in the way that is least painful for you and is respectful to others. 

Bottles, Tears and Babies R' Us

Sorry for the delayed post.  I was in Mexico celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary. I've been truly blessed to spend the last five years with my prince charming by my side! I love you honey!!!

Everyone is so excited for us and always asking if we've heard anything.  The truth is we’ve been considered by several birth moms, but haven’t heard anything concrete yet. In the meantime, we are preparing to have a child in our lives, just like any other expectant parents would. Instead of Lamaze and doctor's visits, we are keeping up with our adoption classes, reading a lot of adoption books and getting our finances in order.  We have started to spend a little time preparing our home for our baby and a few months ago I started to take a look at all the stuff that's available for a baby.  All that I have to say is good grief there's a lot of baby stuff available!!! Because our placement can happen very quickly, we need to be prepared to bring our baby home on short notice. We were instructed to have basic baby essentials ready to go: diapers, bottles, formula, first few outfits (both boy and girl), car seat, crib and stroller. Sounds simple enough... YA RIGHT!

My first visit to Babies R Us ended with me practically in tears hyperventilating in the bottle aisle. Why are there 400 different bottles to choose from? What bottle is best? Why are they so expensive? What’s the difference between the affordable brand and not-so-affordable brand? Am I a bad mother if I want to save a few bucks and go with the affordable bottle? My head was spinning!!!! I started questioning how ready I was for motherhood. Had I just spent the last 5 years dreaming about being a mommy, only to find that I’m not even ready for this responsibility? Were these feelings of inadequacy normal or induced by being an adoptive mother? Luckily my wonderful sister, an experienced mom, came to my rescue and saved me from this whirlwind of anxiety. She picked out a few things for me and told me every mom feels overwhelmed at first. 

Luckily, shortly after my Babies R' Us experience, I was blessed by my ladies’ home group, which surprised me with a basket of all the baby essentials. Boy, was that a relief! My parents are also amazing and surprised me with a stroller as soon as we were officially on the waiting list!

This is all becoming so real! I can’t wait to start decorating the nursery! Most importantly, I can’t wait to meet our little baby, where ever he or she may be! 

Now, time for some feedback from other mom’s out there. Were you overwhelmed before you had the baby? What scared you most about motherhood? Any anxiety? How did you handle it?

Why We Chose Adoption

Just recently, someone asked me why I've started this blog in the first place. It’s definitely not because I’m aspiring to be the next Jane Austen (I wish!).  I started the blog for the following reasons:

1. To share our story of infertility and adoption
2. To educate our community about infertility and adoption and bring more awareness to these sometimes taboo topics
3.  Therapy! It’s therapeutic to write about what I've experienced in the last few years. Infertility and adoption come with a lot of unwanted emotions and sometimes it’s just best to lay them all out in writing. Also, it’s great to keep my mind occupied as we wait for the phone call that will change our lives forever!

Here is some background:

After talking about it for years, Roman and I started our adoption journey in August 2011.  After lots of paperwork, adoption classes, CPR classes, financial and medical assessments and our home study, we were finally approved in early February for a domestic newborn adoption. We've been eagerly waiting for a call from our adoption agency. While preparing for adoption, we were often asked why we were adopting.  So here are some reasons we decided to adopt:

Adopting a child is a calling

First and foremost, we didn’t chose to adopt, God chose us for adoption.

Ultimately, this process has been God leading us (and teaching us) and we are merely following.

I wonder what would happen if everything happened according to my life plan? I guess I’d be an attorney, living in a beautiful 4 bedroom suburban home, with three beautiful and perfectly disciplined children who all cleaned and read their Bibles- just for fun! Ya right! How often does that happen? Thank God he’s led us by his plan (although I’m still not opposed to the other plan eitherJ).  It’s amazing to take part of God’s plan and see how he uses our lives to glorify HIM!  As Christians, we should be honored to take part of God’s plan to care for widows and orphans! And although you might not be called to adopt, you can be a part of loving and supporting another child through supporting adoption. Adoption can be scary sometimes, but it is a beautiful journey. We’ve learned to trust God in ways that we could have never imagined.

The concept of adoption originates with God

God shows us the first and most meaningful example of adoption. When we humble ourselves and ask for God’s help and forgiveness, we are adopted as His children. We are God’s adopted children despite of our background and our blemishes, we are his and he loves us as a father loves his son.

There are many orphans in this world who need a home

While we can’t help them all, we can open up our family to the few that God leads us to, with the resources He provides. We have been abundantly blessed in so many ways and we have the means to adopt and provide a safe and loving home to a child in need.

An example of this is illustrated in the story of a man, walking along the beach, at low tide.  He observed that the beach was littered with starfish, stranded by the receding ocean, all doomed to die.  At one point he encountered a child picking some up and tossing them back in.  “You can’t possibly make a make any dent or difference, with so many,” he noted to the boy as he passed.  The boy held one before throwing into the sea and responded, “It matters to this one.”

So even if we can’t make a huge impact and help all the orphans in the world, we can adopt one (or more).

When we began to consider having children, we realized that it might not be easy for us. We decided, early on in our marriage, that we’d love to adopt some time in our lives. Once I was diagnosed with infertility, we both agreed we wouldn’t spend thousands on infertility treatments and we’d adopt. Whether a child had our DNA or not wasn’t a priority. In our assessment, you are a parent based on how you love them, not how they joined the family. Children are a gift from God, even if they are delivered in different packages.

We Wanted to start a family

We were devastated that we couldn’t have biological children and coping with infertility isn’t easy. We knew without a doubt that we wanted kids, lots of kids! We also knew that adoption would never fill our desire to have biological children, but it would give us a chance to start a family and love a child like our own. We decided that once again, God gave us the opportunity to start a family through adoption. We want a baby and a baby out there needs a home. What a perfect match! J

Adoption is worth the financial expense

Adoption is financially expensive, no doubt about it. We could have spent the money on a dozen different things, like a law degree or voyage around the world (which was tempting). The money could have been saved for the unknown future or been invested to earn more of it. Yet, all of that is temporal and fleeting. In God’s economy, a person is both eternal and of inestimable worth. In God’s economy, children are an asset and not a curse. In God’s economy, it is better to give than to receive. We chose to swallow the $25,000 cost of adoption and invest in our family and God’s eternal plan. We haven’t regretted yet. J

In conclusion, adoption is definitely a challenging and rewarding experience. We would encourage anyone interested in adoption, both international and domestic, to please do your research. It's not a perfect system and there is corruption in some countries or by some individuals. That said there are many reputable agencies and individuals out there who truly have the best interests of families at heart and do their best to keep their costs reasonable. Ultimately we trust that when the Lord leads us to adoption He will provide. Please feel free to comment or write if you have any questions or comments! Thanks for stopping in!