These days, I am in awe of how these wonder moms seem to
have it all together. I don’t know if it’s just an image they put out there on
social media, but I sure can’t seem to keep up with cleaning, cooking, bathing,
grooming, working and up keeping my social life very well. Instead of acting
like I have it all figured out, I’m going to confess a few things, that I’m
ashamed and surprised of as a new mom who is still learning to adjust to her
new role. I know you may judge me, but I promised I’d be honest, so here it
goes…
2) I have moments when I am filled with bitter anger towards my children's birthmom and her crappy decisions. I'm mostly upset at the fact that her decisions have complicated my children's lives and they have to deal with the repercussions of her decisions. Katya and Andrey both have physical and emotional ailments that are clearly side effects of substance abuse. Praise God Almighty they are extremely determined and don't let these things define or hinder them.
3) I have moments when I'm so grateful that Andrey and Katya's birth-mom decided to give them life and didn't go for the much too popular decision of aborting. As hectic as our lives are now, I can't imagine it any other way or without them in our lives.
4) I thought I would be more appreciated. Do Andrey and Katya appreciate us? Yes, of course. But somehow that doesn’t always translate into being obedient and grateful children. In turn, when they are making bad decisions, I feel like they aren’t appreciative. I'm sure this is partly because they did not have the childhood they should’ve had. Or maybe it’s just because Andrey is a preteen going through a whole lot of change and talking back is a must. (This seems to be common in kids of all ages, and quite frankly, in some adults.)
5) This is a big one... and I can’t believe I’m writing this, but here goes full disclosure…I dread going to church now. Before mommy hood, Sunday was my favorite day of the week. I now feel anxious on the Sunday drive, hoping Andrey doesn't get too excited and bite someone (playfully, not out of anger) and Katya doesn't have an accident and ruin her carefully ironed outfit. Andrey and Katya seem to both be on their worst behavior during church and I feel like I only catch 10% of the message. This is certainly getting better, but it's a work in progress.
6) There are times I feel like I'm failing. I can't seem to get around to vacuuming the house for the 4th time in one day, let alone try to teach my kids their letters or numbers. I feel like I had these expectations of the mother I wanted to be, the one who only feeds her children the best organic food, teaches them a few Bible verses a week, etc. I feel like for every five steps we take forward, we end up taking many steps back. I just pray God gives me the wisdom to get through this season gracefully.
7) Both of our kiddos have some side effects from being institutionalized for the majority of their lives. The truth of the matter is, it can get really ugly and emotional when seeing your child deal with the trauma of their pasts. When they are having an outburst, I go through a wide spectrum of emotions. Sometimes I have to hold myself back from yelling at them and demanding they stop over-reacting, and other times I feel so much pain and sorrow for them I just cry beside them while they are falling apart. We are working through these things as a family and we know God has the power to heal their wounds.
1) I knew parenting would
be hard. I knew adoption would make parenting harder. I didn't know the
hardest part would be the whirlwind of emotions and utter exhaustion that comes
with parenting two, very different and determined kids.
2) I have moments when I am filled with bitter anger towards my children's birthmom and her crappy decisions. I'm mostly upset at the fact that her decisions have complicated my children's lives and they have to deal with the repercussions of her decisions. Katya and Andrey both have physical and emotional ailments that are clearly side effects of substance abuse. Praise God Almighty they are extremely determined and don't let these things define or hinder them.
3) I have moments when I'm so grateful that Andrey and Katya's birth-mom decided to give them life and didn't go for the much too popular decision of aborting. As hectic as our lives are now, I can't imagine it any other way or without them in our lives.
4) I thought I would be more appreciated. Do Andrey and Katya appreciate us? Yes, of course. But somehow that doesn’t always translate into being obedient and grateful children. In turn, when they are making bad decisions, I feel like they aren’t appreciative. I'm sure this is partly because they did not have the childhood they should’ve had. Or maybe it’s just because Andrey is a preteen going through a whole lot of change and talking back is a must. (This seems to be common in kids of all ages, and quite frankly, in some adults.)
5) This is a big one... and I can’t believe I’m writing this, but here goes full disclosure…I dread going to church now. Before mommy hood, Sunday was my favorite day of the week. I now feel anxious on the Sunday drive, hoping Andrey doesn't get too excited and bite someone (playfully, not out of anger) and Katya doesn't have an accident and ruin her carefully ironed outfit. Andrey and Katya seem to both be on their worst behavior during church and I feel like I only catch 10% of the message. This is certainly getting better, but it's a work in progress.
6) There are times I feel like I'm failing. I can't seem to get around to vacuuming the house for the 4th time in one day, let alone try to teach my kids their letters or numbers. I feel like I had these expectations of the mother I wanted to be, the one who only feeds her children the best organic food, teaches them a few Bible verses a week, etc. I feel like for every five steps we take forward, we end up taking many steps back. I just pray God gives me the wisdom to get through this season gracefully.
7) Both of our kiddos have some side effects from being institutionalized for the majority of their lives. The truth of the matter is, it can get really ugly and emotional when seeing your child deal with the trauma of their pasts. When they are having an outburst, I go through a wide spectrum of emotions. Sometimes I have to hold myself back from yelling at them and demanding they stop over-reacting, and other times I feel so much pain and sorrow for them I just cry beside them while they are falling apart. We are working through these things as a family and we know God has the power to heal their wounds.
8) Somedays, after waking up at the crack of dawn, I find myself
very tempted to give Andrey the Ipad for a few hours while Katya naps, so I can
catch some zzzs. Fortunately, I still resist the urge most of the time, but boy
does that nap sound great!
9) There are times I cry like a baby from pure joy, despite of
all the struggles. Sometimes Andrey and Katya will say or do something so
sweet, I will hold back tears of joy, because I can’t believe I'm a mom. I
dreamed of these moments since being a young teen and once lost hope
I'd ever have the honor of being someone's mom. I sometimes baby
Katya and rock her to bed, and while she sleeps I just weep. How is it that I’m
lucky enough to be her mom? Why does God think I’m strong enough to be a mom to
these precious human beings who have so much to learn still? I am often
overwhelmed with the fact that God loves us more than I love these children,
regardless of our faults. He adopted me into and is my father. How amazing is
that?
10) I confess that most of the time, I feel like I have no idea
what I'm doing. Everyone thinks I have it all together -- good wife, good mom
-- but I really don't. I'm ready to stop trying to be perfect and just be real.
Can anyone relate?
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your very helpful comments! It eases my mind knowing I'm not the only mom struggling with these insecurities and crazy expectations. Thank you for the helpful articles and the oh so entertaining Pinterest fails!
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