Confessions of a New (Adoptive) Mom

These days, I am in awe of how these wonder moms seem to have it all together. I don’t know if it’s just an image they put out there on social media, but I sure can’t seem to keep up with cleaning, cooking, bathing, grooming, working and up keeping my social life very well. Instead of acting like I have it all figured out, I’m going to confess a few things, that I’m ashamed and surprised of as a new mom who is still learning to adjust to her new role. I know you may judge me, but I promised I’d be honest, so here it goes…

     1)   I knew parenting would be hard. I knew adoption would make parenting harder. I didn't know the hardest part would be the whirlwind of emotions and utter exhaustion that comes with parenting two, very different and determined kids.

2) I have moments when I am filled with bitter anger towards my children's birthmom and her crappy decisions. I'm mostly upset at the fact that her decisions have complicated my children's lives and they have to deal with the repercussions of her decisions. Katya and Andrey both have physical and emotional ailments that are clearly side effects of substance abuse.  Praise God Almighty they are extremely determined and don't let these things define or hinder them.

3) I have moments when I'm so grateful that Andrey and Katya's birth-mom decided to give them life and didn't go for the much too popular decision of aborting. As hectic as our lives are now, I can't imagine it any other way or without them in our lives.

4) I thought I would be more appreciated. Do Andrey and Katya appreciate us? Yes, of course. But somehow that doesn’t always translate into being obedient and grateful children. In turn, when they are making bad decisions, I feel like they aren’t appreciative. I'm sure this is partly because they did not have the childhood they should’ve had. Or maybe it’s just because Andrey is a preteen going through a whole lot of change and talking back is a must. (This seems to be common in kids of all ages, and quite frankly, in some adults.)

5) This is a big one... and I can’t believe I’m writing this, but here goes full disclosure…I dread going to church now. Before mommy hood, Sunday was my favorite  day of the week. I now feel anxious on the Sunday drive, hoping Andrey doesn't get too excited and bite someone (playfully, not out of anger) and Katya doesn't have an accident and ruin her carefully ironed outfit. Andrey and Katya seem to both be on their worst behavior during church and I feel like I only catch 10% of the message. This is certainly getting better, but it's a work in progress.

6) There are times I feel like I'm failing. I can't seem to get around to vacuuming the house for the 4th time in one day, let alone try to teach my kids their letters or numbers. I feel like I had these expectations of the mother I wanted to be, the one who only feeds her children the best organic food, teaches them a few Bible verses a week, etc. I feel like for every five steps we take forward, we end up taking many steps back. I just pray God gives me the wisdom to get through this season gracefully.

7) Both of our kiddos have some side effects from being institutionalized for the majority of their lives. The truth of the matter is, it can get really ugly and emotional when seeing your child deal with the trauma of their pasts. When they are having an outburst, I go through a wide spectrum of emotions. Sometimes I have to hold myself back from yelling at them and demanding they stop over-reacting, and other times I feel so much pain and sorrow for them I just cry beside them while they are falling apart. We are working through these things as a family and we know God has the power to heal their wounds.

8) Somedays, after waking up at the crack of dawn, I find myself very tempted to give Andrey the Ipad for a few hours while Katya naps, so I can catch some zzzs. Fortunately, I still resist the urge most of the time, but boy does that nap sound great!

9) There are times I cry like a baby from pure joy, despite of all the struggles. Sometimes Andrey and Katya will say or do something so sweet, I will hold back tears of joy, because I can’t believe I'm a mom. I dreamed of these moments since being a young teen and once lost hope I'd ever have the honor of being someone's mom. I sometimes baby Katya and rock her to bed, and while she sleeps I just weep. How is it that I’m lucky enough to be her mom? Why does God think I’m strong enough to be a mom to these precious human beings who have so much to learn still? I am often overwhelmed with the fact that God loves us more than I love these children, regardless of our faults. He adopted me into and is my father. How amazing is that?

10) I confess that most of the time, I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. Everyone thinks I have it all together -- good wife, good mom -- but I really don't. I'm ready to stop trying to be perfect and just be real. Can anyone relate?

8 Weeks Later

I'm sorry I've been a bit MIA lately, juggling my new role as mommy-of-two has had me in a bit of a whirlwind. Looking back now, our entire journey to Ukraine and back seemed like a bad nightmare and we are now finally recuperated and adjusting to our new family. I've been fortunate enough to stay home with our kiddos as they adjust to their new country and new family. I can go on and on about how they are adjusting (the good, the bad and the ugly) but I'll share about those struggles in a later post. For now, let me start with a few highlights of the last few weeks and give you a chance to get to know the two newest members of the Kravchuk clan:

- Andrey and Katya are both obsessed with dogs, literally obsessed! Katya has a fake dog she carries around and calls Milo (in honor of our friend Dana's dog). She takes her role as a toy-dog owner very seriously, she proceeds to feed, walk and put Milo down for naps daily, after singing him a few lullabies of course. Andrey isn't quiet as mesmerized but our toy dog and asks me when we will get a "real" dog a few times weekly. 

-Andrey asks me daily "мама, почему ми такая щасливая семя?" (Mom, why are we such a happy family?) I never know the right way to answer this, but usually try to explain that God loves us and many people have prayed for us over the last year. 

Andrey and Katya's bond is unbelievable, considering they've only known each other for 8 short weeks. Andrey will often wake up, brush her teeth, change her, brush her hair and tell me his sister needs breakfast. He is a wonderful big brother and it melts my heart to see their bond. Katya only refers to Andrey as Andruyshka and is always concerned of his whereabouts, especially on school days. 

- Katya is pretty easy to win over with either candy, a phone, dog , music, something shiny, etc. You get the picture. She is a girly girl, who loves taking pictures, shopping and trying in clothes, but she isn't afraid to get her hands dirty either. This girl will fight for herself if needed. She has a big heart and automatically falls in love with anyone who loves her back and after meeting someone new and spending some time with them, she'll usually tell me the remainder of the day "Мама, Jimmy Катю любить!" (Jimmy loves Katya!) She will smile from ear to ear and tell me how many people love her. I love that she grasps the fact that she is loved by so many.

- Andrey and Katya both share an undeniable love for music! Katya is always air drumming along to the music in the car and both beg to listen to music on my phone. Andrey asked us a few days after his arrival in the US "why does everyone on the radio talk about Caleb so much?" Caleb is Andrey's cousin. Roman and I both chuckled and explained how the radio station is K-love. Needless to say, K-love is his favorite station and he now literally knows every song they play on the station by heart. 

- Andrey went to summer school a few weeks ago and since has a whole new vocabulary of English words that we are now only get accustomed to. The other day our neighbor came over and Andrey totally had a conversation with him. I was dumbfounded! He asked how he was doing, where his dog was (of course) and told him Roman was at work. In Andrey's words "oh my hoodness, what you dooinh?" 

-Katya and her box... One day after a trip to Costco, Katya asked if she could play with one of the remaining cardboard boxes. Of course she could.  At the time I did not realize this would become a valuable piece of real estate to a 4 year old girl with a wild imagination. Katya now believes this simple cardboard box is her home and she spends 75% of her time in this box. She carefully lays out her blankets, arranges her favorite toys and then proceeds to lay in this box (knees almost touching her head) for a few hours daily. She carries this thing around the house all day long. As we were driving home from Los Angleles this weekend, I asked her what she missed most about home, without any hesitation, she said "my box!" I should have known. I made the mistake of replacing this cardboard box for a newer upgraded model, but she would not have it! She walked around the house poking in the closets looking for her old box. 

To conclude, sometimes it's hard not to dwell on the fact that we missed out on a huge portion of our childrens' lives, but we are enjoying getting to know them better each day. It's really exciting discovering a new part of their personality, a new like, dislike, dream or fear of theirs daily. Right now they are like onions and we are peeling their layers one day at a time. It isn't always easy but it sure is a ton of fun and we are constantly overwhelmed by God's goodness.