Unexpected Victories

Hi friends! Hope you are all enjoying your summer! I'm realizing I'm more of a California girl than I thought, it seems my mood rises along with the temperature. I've been feeling more optimistic this week than I have in months. Although we don't have any adoption news, there are three victories I'm celebrating: 

1) I have been pain-free for the last 60 days. Seems like an odd statement for a 24 year old, but often when living with my health condition I experience a lot of unpleasant side effects, one of which is chronic pain. Don't worry, I have learned to function through the pain, but boy,  living pain-free is something HUGE to celebrate!  Until I experienced poor health, I was never as grateful for the days of good health.  Praise God!!! 

2) My older sis Elina graduated from school with her bachelors degree a few days ago. This was a huge celebration because she has overcome many obstacles and challenges in her life and has been able to prosper despite of them. I'm very excited for the future God has planned for her! 

3) Last but not least, I've been praying for God to send me an answer as to what I'm supposed to be doing with all of this free time I have after losing Olivia. I left my full time job of 6 years in November and I was hopeful we would have been on adoption #2 by spring. When that didn't happen, I was praying that God would point me in the right direction and show me what I should be investing my time in during the wait. This Friday, I unexpectedly received my answer.  We were presented with an opportunity to host an orphan for the summer. The original host family backed out and they weren't able to find a family that could get their paperwork and payment submitted by the due date of the following Monday. Because Roman and I are adoption and foster-care certified, we had all the necessary documents and clearances that were needed to host. When I explained to the volunteer that we'd be able to step in and host the little boy, she was in tears and was relieved she wouldn't have to break the little boys heart. We are nervous but also super excited to welcome Andrey, a nine year old Ukrainian orphan,  into our family for 5 weeks later this summer. We hope we can reflect God's tender love and care while he is in our home and also show him a great time. Please pray that God gives us wisdom as we embark on this new journey! 

The reason I have been optimistic is summed up in one simple statement: God comes through and answers prayers! The last few months  I've had the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller on my mind. Feel free to give it a listen: 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=i6X71sXagUY

When Life Is Unfair 

As of April 28th,  my husband and I have been married for 6 years. As much as I  loved sitting back and pondering over the great years we've spent together and the beautiful relationship we have, I can't help but cringe at one somber reality. It has been almost six years since we first  started trying...  And childless for 6 long years! That's so crazy. Especially when the average time it takes a couple to conceive is 6 months. I know that life goes on and trust me... it's going on around me. I just don't feel like mine is. I know we have the adoption to look forward to but I feel like I'm stuck in time. Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of wonderful memories and an abundance of blessings over the last 6 years, but just a mere 6 months ago I was preparing to live a life full of baby snuggles, burps and diaper changes and now I'm just stuck in time, while life around me is moving forward.  I know this is not encouraging or very helpful, but somedays it's how I truly feel. I am stuck in the same spot I was 6 years ago, just killing time. While everyone else has and is moving on. People are getting married, having children... one, two, and three. And we're still... just here.

It's so hard not to wonder why life is so unfair? I just recently heard my high school acquaintance had a second baby out of wedlock. She's not sure who the father is and isn't sure she'll be able to provide for both kiddos but she's going to "figure it out." Oh the irony! Life seems so unfair!

When I pray and think about this a bit more, I feel condemned. Truth be told, God doesn't owe me an explanation and never promised life would be fair. As a matter of fact, Jesus said in John 16:33  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” The truth is we aren't entitled to have any of the great blessings we have in life, we are given all things by the grace of God and through his will alone. If you are like me and starting to realize how unfair the world is, remember God has and will continue to show grace to you, but it may be in different ways. You may not have it very easy in this world, but Our Lord has overcome the world! Fairness or justice isn't what should bring us joy or contentment, God's love and grace should fill the empty places in our soul and make us feel content and whole, regardless of which path we walk in life. By the way, I'm totally preaching to the choir here. I can use this reminder more than anyone. I hope it's helpful to you as well. 

Chin up, God has it all figured out, even if we don't!

When God is Silent

Do you ever feel like God is silent? Lately I have been very discouraged and have been struggling with hearing God's voice. I have to admit I've been bitter and confused about the way things have turned out the last few months.  Sometimes I feel like I'm not cut out for all that God has planned for me.  I have been praying for God's peace and love to strengthen me in the last few weeks, but all I seem to feel is turmoil and grief.  My current emotional and spiritual state has given  me an entirely new respect for the story of Joseph. For more than ten years, things had gone from bad to worse for Joseph. Once a free man, he was sold into slavery by his own brothers to people who were his enemies. Through it all, he continued to obey God and work hard for his master. Then, he was falsely accused of assaulting his master’s wife, and he was thrown into prison.

Where was God in the apparently negative events? Not once had Joseph received encouragement from family or friends. Even though Joseph knew God was guiding and blessing him, the times of waiting rigorously challenged his faith.

When God is silent, when He doesn’t intervene, it may seem that He isn’t involved in our life. But God is never still. I try to remember He is always at work, especially in the “silent times.” He uses every event, every situation, and every person in our lives to prepare us for future and fulfill His perfect purpose.

When Joseph is finally released and ruling Egypt as second in command, with the power to save his family and people, Joseph at last understood God’s special plan. I truly desire to be like Joseph and cling to Him in the tough times; trust Him in my darkness.  

If you have an extra moment, please say a prayer for me. I pray that I can stay faithful through this sometimes difficult road.  

Shattered Dreams

"Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit to awaken, then do satisfy our highest dream."

-Larry Crabb

The last few nights I've had a really hard time sleeping. I keep myself awake thinking about why God allows trials and tribulations to hurt his children in unimaginable ways. If I'm completely honest with myself, I  wonder why the many widows I know, the moms who have had miscarriages and still births, and the hopeful believers who pray to be healed from fatal illnesses have to endure such great pain in their lives, even though they have the almighty God on their side? I catch my mind slipping to my own self-pity at times. Why has God allowed our family to experience so many shattered dreams? How are teen girls getting pregnant on a whim during one-night stands, yet I'm prepared to parent and don't seem to have a chance at fertility? Why do I have a closet full of adorable precious baby onesies, lafayettes and dresses, yet no baby to cloth?

 This road of self pity and doubt is very dangerous, and I've found the best way to beat these thoughts is to pray and read scripture. I've proclaimed Jerermiah 29:11 many times, especially during my moments of self-pity and doubt. I constantly remind myself that God's plans for me are much greater than the plans I have for myself.  Granted, there is a part of me that feels entitled to be angry and teary, because I've been through a lot. Most people who are struggling and grieving are most likely entitled to feel that way. However,  As Lary Crabb stated, The Holy Spirit Is there to comfort us through our pain and uses broken dreams to find our desire to follow God. Isn't that the big picture anyway? 

The pain, grief and suffering you may be facing is not random. God wants you to draw near to Him and ask for His direction in your life. We may not have all of the answers to our many questions, but I believe God is in complete control and knows what is best.  God allows things to happen for reasons we can't comprehend. Keep walking through this life with your eyes set on Him and keep trusting in God alone, telling people about His amazing faithfulness, love and comfort. God can comfort you in your shattered dreams and give you a higher dream and purpose!

A Husband's Struggle - By Roman Kravchuk

A Word From My Husband

I wanted to start off by thanking you all for your prayers and support during the last few weeks. If it wasn't for the encouragement, prayers and God 's grace I don't know how we'd make it through. After a lot of thinking, I asked Krystyna if I could share about some thoughts on her  blog. I know it's not very common to hear about infertility and adoption from a husband's point of view, as it's not very popular for men to speak openly about their emotions. To be honest, the last two years have been the hardest time in my life. I've had to sit back, feeling helpless and watch my wife suffer through pain, surgery,  adoption and grieve the death of our baby Olivia.  Don't get me wrong,  I'm happily married and love my wife and I am surprised by  how brave she is and I've never been upset with her or blamed her for any issues we've had. On a positive note, the last years have brought me much closer to God and I've learned to see the positive in God's plan.

As positive as I am now, no one would believe that I've had sad and dark moments in the last few years. One of the darkest times for me was around the time Krystyna had to get surgery. I tried to encourage her through this dark time but inside I felt so alone, helpless and very hopeless. The stress had caused me to lose 22 lbs in one month, get a small ulcer and many grey hairs. With every doctor appointment I sat through with Krystyna, it felt impossible to hold on to hope or any of God's promises, and all along I tried to stay positive for my wife. As the days went by, I kept stating  and praying that God had a plan for us and we would see better days.  There were days that I'd get so frustrated and felt ignored by God. I didn't feel any results from my many prayers. I would practice one exercise where I would make a list in my mind of all the positives I had to be grateful for, and most times the list of negatives would somehow seem smaller. A  few weeks later, I was faced with the most difficult decision in my life up to this day. Adoption. 

Unlike Krystyna, adoption was a huge and very scary decision for me to make. Krystyna had mentioned it to me many times before and I told her I wasn't ready, and we even discussed the idea of adopting when we were dating. I had learned from my dad that any decision should be made through praying and fasting. It took many prayers, fasts and counseling from pastors for me to make the decision. This was a hard decision  because I was scared I'd never love this child as my own. I felt it was unfair that I'd have to deal with and raise child that came from unfortunate circumstances and unclean background. I also thought I needed to be ultra- spiritual to raise a child that wasn't mine. As I continued to pray, the idea of adoption didn't seem as scary and became more natural. Even throughout the process, I had my doubts as people came up to me and said that adoption wasn't a good idea, and waiting for our own  kids would be better and we should try harder for our own. I still continued to pray and had more confidence in our adoption decision. 

In  late September, I got the call from Krystyna that we were chosen and would get a baby girl  in November, even though the situation was ideal, I wanted to spend an hour in prayer before responding to our social worker. As we moved forward, everything was going so smoothly and I had so much peace in my heart. All of my previous fears about adoption went away and I had no doubts. When we got the news that Olivia died, I felt like someone broke my heart into pieces. Before, when we talked about the baby and made plans for family Christmas cards, painting her nursery and other things, I had such joy in my heart. I felt like we were changing a child's life and this baby who I had never seen also already changed my life so much. Of course as positive as I am, I tried to stay strong and say all the right things in front of my wife and family. I felt like I needed to be strong for my heartbroken wife and in front of friends. I clearly remember one day, a few days after, on a long drive from work I couldn't hold it and finally just broke down crying  in the car and cried out to God. When will someone be strong for ME? When will I get some answers? When will we see the light at the end of the tunnel? I  had a heart to heart with God and after  I felt so much better (apparently letting out your emotions works , women may be onto something). 

As the days went by, some days were more difficult and some more bearable. I couldn't understand what happened but I tried to find something positive out of the situation. In this process, I reassured myself that I can truly love a child that is not my own. Also, we were able to serve a birth mom in dark moments of her life. I also have the peace of mind that baby Olivia is with Jesus now and God gave her something we couldn't even guarantee, salvation. 

Even now, I still struggle and have been taking one day at a time trying to find purpose in everything we've gone through. One thing That still remains is I know God has a beautiful plan for our family. I want to leave you with one last thought, don't be afraid to share your emotions and struggles with others you trust. Seek guidance from a pastor or elder you trust and don't be ashamed of admitting you need prayer or help. Always remember God has plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  It's all about a positive attitude! 

Roman Kravchuk  

Shaking Like a Leaf

This has been by far the hardest post for me write. I’ve been trying to find the words to sum up how I’ve been feeling the last few days since we heard the devastating news about our baby girl.  For those of you who are wondering what happened, on Wednesday, November 14^th, just a few days short of the due date, we received a call from our social worker, hardly holding back her tears, she needed to deliver some devastating news. She explained that our birth mom was taken to the hospital and had an emergency c-section and she was incredibly sorry but the baby didn’t survive. She shared her condolences and explained that this was the first time in 25 years of work that she's had a situation like this.

The first few days after getting the news are still all a bit fuzzy to me, when I wasn’t crying, I was completely zoned out and obsessing over the fact that all the plans, hopes and dreams I had thought I was realizing in just a few days, were just yanked away so painfully.  At first it was all too unbelievable. How could this be? The baby we had been preparing for, praying for, shopping for and already loved so much was no longer with us? How could she be gone before we even met her? We made so much room in our hearts to love the daughter God sent us, and he took her away before we even held her in our arms. For the first few days, I felt like that space in my heart was literally ripped out of me and all that was left was just a gaping whole of unrealized dreams.  The pack and play was set up, car seat installed, the formula put away, and the bottles all sterilized. How could this be?  This was supposed to be our happy ending. How could God allow this to happen? We knew our adoption journey wouldn’t guarantee smooth sailing. We knew the birth mom could change her mind or a million other worse case scenarios we had heard about, but our little girl not surviving at full term? How could this be?

 

At first, I just had so many questions and broken dreams.  I felt like life sent me two caskets: the first one— my inability to conceive, the second one—the death of a child promised to us. How was I suppose to morn something that was never even mine to begin with? After waiting for a child for almost 6 years this was a cross I felt was too heavy for me to carry.  Fortunately, I had my husband by my side. Those of you who know Roman, know he is optimistic to a tee and he always holds on to hope. God blessed me with this man for a reason. I know if it wasn’t for his encouragement, optimism and strong faith in the Lord, I would probably lay in bed crying for days on end. Roman and I were also extremely encouraged and comforted by the many messages, calls and visits we received from friends and family.  We were touched and in awe that our friends and family were more supportive of the adoption than we ever realized. Thank you all who remembered our family in prayer. God truly has the power to comfort and heal broken hearts like no one else can. 

We were supposed to drive down and pick Olivia up on Thanskgiving day, so this holiday will never be the same to us again. None the less, we had many things to be grateful for this Thursday. As horrible as this trial has been, a few positives we take from this tragedy is we now know we are truly capable of loving a child that is not biologically our own. We both loved Olivia more than we could have ever imagined and losing her made that so evident. Secondly, we know that God is a comforter in even the hardest times and when everything in life seems to be unbearable, God will never forsake us. He loves us through all of our pain and struggles. We were grateful that God has sent us an amazing support system, family and friends who will cry with us and pray with us. Lastly, we were grateful to have continued contact with the birth mom and hope that we can somehow impact  her life in a positive way, as she has impacted our lives in a way she will never understand.  We ask that you remember her in your prayers as well, as she is suffering this loss as well and unlike us, she does not have anyone to pray for her or encourage her in times of trial. 

Although we have gone through yet another trial in our journey of infertility/adoption, this is not the end of our story. We believe that God has set us on this path for a reason and we have to continue on this journey and trust the Lord despite of our fears and doubts. We are back on the adoption list and are once again waiting for a match. We pray that in the mean time, God will continue to heal our hearts. To sum things us,  I’d like to share a song that I’ve been carrying in my heart throughout this trial that has beautifully summed up our feelings and our cry to God during this time.

Feel free to check out the Big Daddy Weave version of this song here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjKy74VQs1o

Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big  and my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus,
'Cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory.
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

When I wake up in the night I feel the dark.
It's so hot inside my soul. I swear, there must be blisters on my heart.

So hold me Jesus,
'Cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory.
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

Surrender don't come natural to me.
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need...
And I've beat my head against so many walls,
I'm falling down, falling on my knees... God, please.
And Your grace rings out so deep. It makes my resistance seem so thin.

So hold me Jesus,
'Cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory.
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

Rest In Peace Our Baby Girl

Written for Olivia, the baby who we already loved so dearly, but never even held in our arms.

To the daughter who I'll never know,

who never belonged to me.

I have nothing to show

for all our agony.

How can I grieve this loss

when you were never even mine?

God took you to be with him

In his perfect time. 

How do I say goodbye,

when I never said hello?

Why is it I cry

for one I'll never know?

I felt you grow inside of me,

but you were never there.

I longed for you to be with me,

and show you how much I care.

The questions I have will never end,

I'll never understand

why God took you away from me

before I even held your hand.

To the daughter who I'll never know,

Please let me say one thing.

I love you more than you'll ever know,

and I'll see you in my dreams.

Love,

Mom and Dad 

RIP Olivia Kravchuk