WE GOT THE CALL!

Friends and family, we are super excited to announce that we have been selected by a birth mom for our adoption! If all goes well, we will have a precious baby girl in November!!! Please pray with us as we walk this path, prepare for our little angel, meet the birth mom, and iron out all the details. Thanks in advance for your love, support, and prayers! We are overwhelmed with joy and so grateful for God's perfect timing!

I'm Still Angry with Infertility

Regardless of  how  high spirited  I try to be, the truth is there are still days that I can't shake the fact that infertility sucks! Every month  there is still a day or two when I can't quite crawl out of the hole of infertility sadness. It’s typically only a  few days of the month and the other 29 days of the month I’m nice ole happy Krystyna! I think "YES! Adoption! I CAN'T WAIT! I honestly don't mind that he/she won't be our biological child! Oh look, what a cute baby! What a beautiful rainbow! God is Good!!"

On the dark days,  I sulk in sadness and think,  "Why don't I  have a baby yet? Everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant with such ease and here I am, waiting for 5 years and feeling completely helpless and out of control. Why hasn't God blessed me with good health? ” On these days every Facebook, Instrigram and Pinterest visit seems to pour salt into my open infertility wound. I feel guilty for feeling this way. Why can’t I just get over the pain of infertility once and for all?

After some reflection, I have come to the realization that no matter how truly happy I am to adopt and how confident I am in God’s hand in our adoption, there may always be a part of me that’s angry about my infertility. Even after we have a children somehow, someway, and that anger has diminished significantly, I'll always remember and I’m not quite the women I dreamed I would be. I hate dealing with the side effects of my illness and I hate the constant reminder that I'm not quite as healthy as I'd like to believe I am.  However, I have to find peace in the fact that God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). I can’t get over this anger or sadness alone. In Christ alone I can find healing for my broken heart! I have to continue to pray for healing and realize that wounds can heal quickly, but only with the proper ointment. God is that ointment and I need to trust in him, not in my own understanding!

Sorry about the negative vent, but I promised myself I'd be real and raw about this journey.

A Birth Mother’s Sacrifice

I wanted to share a quick story I read online about a birth mom and her decision to make an adoption plan for her daughter. This 17 year old girl was faced with an unplanned pregnancy and had to make a very difficult and selfless decision at a very young age.

“In most situations, a woman carrying a child does not have to grapple with the decision of adoption. In most situations, a child is born into a family ready and happily prepared to raise the child. And in most situations, from the time the child is a newborn, parents make difficult decisions and tremendous sacrifices out of love for their children every day.

In my situation, the decision to make an adoption plan for my child was no less an act of sacrificial love. The decision came from that same desire to give my child the very best that I could, to ensure her well-being, to give her both a mother and a father, and a chance for a good future in an uncertain world. My decision was both an act of love and an act of hope; because in my situation, the best for her meant separation from me.

Parents have a duty and obligation to raise the children entrusted to them in the best way possible. And my decision to place came from the deep and powerful understanding of my duty and responsibility. No matter what other people think, I did not reject her. I did not “get rid” of her. And I did not “give her up.” Rather, I lovingly created a family for her so that she could have the security, permanency, and stability that I could not guarantee.

I placed my daughter for adoption because I refused to have her grow up in the circumstances in which I was living, circumstances that I could not change at the time. Authentic parenthood requires a heroic, selfless love. I loved my daughter, I love her still, and that is why I chose adoption, not abortion and not even to parent myself.”

Please join us as we pray for all of the birth moms out there facing unplanned pregnancies. These moms are faced with incredibly difficult decision and options such as abortion, adoption or parenting. Let’s pray God leads them to make the right decision, the decision to give life to a child. 

Seven Months Later...

So apparently I'm not the best blogger.  I've taken a little break from blogging the last month, partly because I haven't been very inspired, but also because I've been distracted with summer festivities and events. All in all, there hasn't been any news on the adoption front,  seven months later, we're still waiting for the call. :( Fortunately, the busy summer and the anticipation for my brother's wedding has been a great distraction! The wedding was incredibly sweet and a ton of fun, but now that it's over,  I'm going to need some serious distractions to keep my mind off of the waiting. Did I mention I hate waiting? God is definitely teaching me patience through this journey, much to my dismay.

So here's the plan... I am NOT going to sulk in my impatience and self pity. I am NOT going to feel sorry for myself, as I know that's one of the most detrimental things an infertile gal can do to herself.  I'm going to continue to live my life to the fullest while we're waiting for this baby. I'm going to temporarily close the baby room door and focus on pursuing new goals and hobbies. I don't really have any hobbies or extra curricular activities, so I need to get creative. In the meantime, I'm going to throw myself into growing my new business Travel By Krystyna, focus on getting in shape, spend more time with family, clean more, cook more and may even attempt baking! I can focus on becoming a better wife, a better mommy-to-be and just a better ME! Do you have any cool hobbies or activities you'd recommend? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. Also, please continue to pray for Roman and I, as well as our future birth-mom and baby. 

Dear Child

Dear Child,

I am lying here late at night thinking of you. I should be sleeping, but I can't… 

I don't know anything about you yet. I don't know even know if you are a boy or a girl. I lay here wondering what you will be like, what you will sound like, look like? Will you be blonde and blue eyed like me or dark haired with deep eyes? Either way, I know you are going to be beautiful because God made you. In His eyes, and soon to be mine, you are perfect and you are fearfully and wonderfully made by the world’s greatest father!

Your life is a bit different though, but don’t ever let that stand in your way. You  are extremely blessed, because you have two mommies. One who made a huge sacrifice and carried you in her tummy for nine months and one who carried you in her heart for 5 years.

Every night I pray for you. I ask God to keep you in His Arms and hold you until I can. I have asked God daily for the moment to come when I can finally see your precious face. My heart longs for that moment. Who are you Little One? Will you like sports, art or music? Will you be a writer, a doctor or a great evangelist? Will you be laughing all the time or will you make others laugh? Maybe you will be serious and timid, contemplating the deep things of life.

All I know is that I want you to live to the fullest potential you have. BE all that God created you to be. My greatest desire for you is that you will surpass me in knowledge and desire for the Presence of the Lord. Your Daddy and I will have done our job if you serve the Lord with passion and fervor. I make a promise to God this night, and to you, that I will do my best to teach you to serve the Lord and worship His holy name!

You will be His ambassador, whether in the work place as a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher or in the ministry as a pastor, teacher, worship leader or evangelist of the Word. May you speak the wonderful word of God and see it come to pass in your life. May you always know that God created you for a purpose and you have been deeply loved and prayed for from the moment you came into existence.

I love you so much already, even though I don't know where you are or even if you are conceived yet. My love grows deeper for you each day. I hope you come home to me soon precious little child.

With Love,

Your Mom 

My Testimony

I’m approaching the one year anniversary of my surgery and  I've been thinking a lot about the state of mind I was in only a year ago. I’ve been reflecting a lot and have decided to share my testimony. Although my surgery was minor and I had a quick recovery, I can never express what a life changing time that was for me. One year ago today, I had only been working 2-3 hours at a time and popping Vicodin every few hours because of the pain I was in. I was in so much emotional and physical pain, I can’t even fathom how I got to that point.  I thought God gave up on me and I questioned God’s existence. I couldn't believe that my medical condition was getting worse at every check up. Three years prior, I had been told by my doctor that my medical condition puts me at a high risk for weight gain, diabetes, heart disease and cancer due to my crazy hormone imbalance. Let me tell you, this is the last thing a 19 year old wants to hear. 

When my condition worsened and my doctors told me I had type 2 diabetes, I lost it.  To be honest, I just felt SO sorry for myself and SO upset with God. At 21 years old I had been gaining weight uncontrollably, getting my blood drawn every few weeks and had to get a pap, ultra sound (not the fun kind) and a physical exam every 2-3 months. The doctors never offered me any options that appealed to us and they couldn't figure out why my case was so severe. When my pain worsened, I was referred to a specialist and when he did my exam, he confirmed that my case was really severe in comparison to others with the same condition. He called in a few other nurses to show them that I had 20-30 cysts on each ovary. He then proceeded to tell me the last patient he had with anything similar was diagnosed with uterine cancer a year ago. This is when I hit rock bottom. I tried to be strong and my bubbly old self in front of people, but inside I literally felt like I was dying. I don’t know if it was from all the heavy meds I was on, but every time I had felt pain in my stomach (very often) I had imagined my funeral and how I must have not had children so I don’t leave them behind, etc. A few weeks after this visit my pain was really severe and when I called my doctor he said we need to operate as soon as possible, because he’s scared of what he might find. The surgery was diagnostic and would also clean some of the endometriosis that was causing my pain. This was a Monday. He scheduled my surgery for Wednesday.  

I had to grasp in a matter of days that I'd wake up from surgery either diagnosed with cancer or possibly have one or both ovaries removed. I hadn't had a relationship with God at this point and had questioned his existence. How was I going to make it through this? I cried uncontrollably for the two days before my surgery and felt completely hopeless. This wasn't fair! Why did I have to go through this? Why me???  Tuesday evening I received a lot of text messages and phone calls from family and friends letting me know they'd be praying and they know God will give me peace. I yearned for peace SO much, because I had not felt peace in a long time. I held on to these words and the night before my surgery I just stood and cried on my knees. My prayer to God was this...

"God if you haven't abandoned me, please forgive me for my sins and my doubt and send me peace. If the doctors find cancer, give me peace. If my ovaries are removed, give me peace. Please Lord, let me find peace no matter what comes of tomorrow. "

The next morning I woke up with such an overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. I knew God was in control and I just surrendered all of my fears, anger, pain and took God's peace.  I even joked with my husband that it looked like he was the one going into surgery, because this poor guy was so worried. 

I realize now that my surgery was a blessing from above. They did not find cancer, Praise God! They cleaned the cysts and endometriosis and my doctor was confident that this would help my pain and allow me to live a more comfortable life. It wasn't a cure all, but it sure beat taking heavy meds all the time. The surgery pushed me to surrender all of my frustrations and run to God. The morning of the surgery, I knew without a doubt that my life would never be the same again. So here I am. I still struggle with my medical issues but my heart has been restored. My faith has been restored. My faith lies in him alone and I believe the Lord has plans to give me hope and a beautiful future! For if God is with me, who can stand against me? Surely not a medical condition! Surely not infertility! 

If you are going through something difficult and you feel like God has abandoned you, do not fear!!!! He is just a prayer away! Surrender your fears, frustrations and sins and he will come though, I PROMISE!!!! 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME VITAMIN LADY???

I had a run-in this weekend with an older Russian woman who approached me at a funeral, as I  finished sharing my condolences with the grieving family. I have to say, this incident is one for the books! It goes along with what NOT to say to someone struggling with infertility! As a matter of fact, this goes along with what NOT to say, EVER! 

 This lady approaches me and says she really needs to speak to me about something. Here goes her opening line, “I have these pills, they can help you take care of this area,” as she points at my stomach and waist. “You’ll have results in no time! You will actually have a defined waist line.” I am obviously a bit stunned at this point and explain “I’m sorry, but I don’t believe in diet pills.” She continues to tell me they are NOT diet pills, they are vitamins .“Krystyna, you obviously need them, your immune system is not working correctly.” I proceed to explain I believe dieting consists of eating right and exercising.

As if pointing out that I should lose weight wasn't bad enough, she proceeds with more offenses.  I should have ditched the conversation, but this lady was not backing down! “Krystyna, I noticed you don’t have children….” (THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!) “I really believe it’s because your immune system isn't working correctly, you really need these vitamins!” Instead of listening to my instinct and just bolting for the door at this point, I continued to politely explain to this acquaintance that I have a medical condition I've been struggling with for years. I work with some of the best reproductive health doctors in Northern California and I already take lots of medicine, therefore I don’t want anything to mess with the plan my doctors have me on, yada yada. She interrupts me, "What is your condition anyways? What's the problem? Maybe I can help.” Yes, I’m sure you can. Please show me your PhD - then maybe we can talk!

She continues...“Krystyna, do you want to be healthy? These vitamins can help you. You think you’ve tried everything, but obviously you haven’t. If you fix your immune system, you’ll be able to have children. Why aren’t you trying more? Do you think you have all the answers? That’s it, come to my house, I live a few minutes away, you need these pills!”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME LADY? Yes, you are right! I don’t have children because I don’t want them enough. I had surgery and have taken a dozen medications at a time for fun. I should have just tried your vitamins instead! They are miracle vitamins, they are for losing weight, gaining weight, healing infertility, ulcers, etc!   I’m sorry if I’m not willing to try every pill offered to me by doctors. WAIT, you AREN’T a doctor? That’s right, you are just trying to make a sale. Thank you very much for offending me in every way imaginable in a matter of minutes! Nice sales pitch! Does that really work on others? ARE YOU KDDIING ME VITAMIN LADY????  NOT COOL!